kith

[milo]

I am not the rook or the crow, -- the ors are correct, this is a line ball call for the writer to make as nor would also be correct; however, nor would sound less pleasing
or the intricate brooch at your throat. A feather -- brooch, unless this is a deliberate pun but I'm not sure that would work

and, now I post-edited and no one knows it so you just look silly. hahaah . . erm.

to rest in the brook of your brow. -- unusual to use a sight rhyme in a villanelle, but it definitely works

yes, I took some huge liberties with the form, it is what enticed me to write it at all. Hopefully you know I /could/ write a correct villanelle.

Your sing steals the wind from the low -- playing with parts of speech can be effective but in my mind I want low to go with cattle -- jury's still out on sing as a noun

I loved sing as a noun, of course I could just use song, but we will see. I suppose I have to mention an actual cow to get away with low? nm

that laughs with the broken down lamb. My brother -- a comma here?

yes, a comma of course, where the hell is my editor anyway . . .?

I am not the rook or the crow.

Your bones take the crush from the blow -- I think this needs end punctuation

semicolon?

the thick articulate stutter, a stick. Our father
will drown in the brook of your brow.

I see you didn't mention the extra foot and then the subsequent switch from 3-4-3 to 3-3-3. Goood. You are beginning to see the power of the dark side . .

We hide away hide away flow -- love this line

well, I hope you liked "we hide away hide away" as "flow is pretty much a place holder for now. still . . .

and slough through the muck and the slather. -- again, not sure about slather as a noun, though I like the near-rhyme

yah, "slather" was a place holder too, but the assonance has grown on me. now what?
I am not the rook or the crow

as they wax and they nettle the grow
we loam away quiet, we gather -- but I do like loam as a verb, lovely!

yay!
at peace in the brook of your brow.

So I suitcase away this sorrow -- I lose the meter here -- sorrow is a feminine ending and it throws the rhymes out quite badly to my ear, I'd suggest replacing it

yah, I know it is a feminine ending, it was my favorite line in the poem and now I am probably going to chop it.

and think that in time it won't matter. -- think is weak and this line seems a bit of a filler

I don't know if it is filler per se as it says what I want to say but you are correct, it is currently losing an arm wrestling contest with Stephen Hawking so it must be changed.

I am not the rook or the crow
to hide in the bough of your brow.

milo

I love to see people play with grammatical structures and put words in unexpected places -- sometimes they work, sometimes they're just a bit weird but obviously that will depend on the reader and the connotations the reader brings to the text. Your second repetend works in a ghazal-like fashion and this coupled with the asymmetrical lines gives the villanelle a looser structure, which I think is effective in conjunction with your grammatical playfulness. The pastoral images are quite at odds with the disturbed nature of the themes running through this, which again is an interesting effect. Rooks and crows to me are associated with winter, death and battles, but are also guardians. There is a dualistic nature to this entire poem that is worth exploring, and definitely worth many more reads.

Yah, the second repitend has to go too, I just included it in the first draft for people brave enough to think "what if . . .?"

I am not that brave.

You are a huge help as always leanne and I expect to post a revision in the next couple days.

thanks.

milo