Elegy

[milo]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather what does stipple-foot mean?
where the sun broken-melons the sky.Is it dawn or dusk?
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home no comma at end, although it seems grammatically necessary to me. A number of enjambments lack punctuation marks where I might expect them.
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack I like this line repeated. It almost sounds like a cart ridding down a rail line. It's a big reason I see a mine and interpret this poem as I do.
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.I come away thinking that this is the narration of a miner whose dying from black lung. He wonders why men chase stones and cause themselves illness and death. How far off am I?
The tractors wont cough This seems to be a shift in the narration and I wonder if it is the same speaker. I'm thinking speaker resolves not to hate the promise of new life even though he's lost his father.

If it is a shift in narrator, wouldn't a blank line be helpful to avoid some confusion?

as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

I don't really have suggestions for improvement. Just thought I'd offer my my thoughts on what I think you mean (while crossing my fingers that this is a helpful thing to do. Haha).

Mikey.[/b]

This was helpful, thanks. It shows some points of confusion I may have.

milo

---

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather
where the sun broken-melons the sky.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

Titled.
Why schist?
Why couch?
Why brack?
Why stipple?
I ask because I do not know. I deleted my first post on this because you gave it a title. I have to ask another question. What came first, the tune or the words?
As an uncommited piece of rhyming verse it does have merit, but I think you need to get to your point a little earlier, now that you know what it has turned out to be about.
Best,
tectak

It might be more helpful if you tell me what images you get when you read these words. If I tell you to couch a chip in your fist, what image do you get?

I originally had it untitled because I wanted you to read it through, get to the end and go "ahhh . . it is a burial" and then have to read the whole thing again with a new perspective.

I wrote the words first. There were many (many) more and as I was trimming, the tune haunted up.

thanks for your help

milo