Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
I am not permitted to delete, it seems
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-26-2013, 05:13 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: [Image: http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee143...2cd9ed.jpg]
Glimpses of a Sanctuary
Lowered eyelids, shields shut tight against the brilliant Sun,
protect the eyes in danger of blinding by eclipse
but conceal the incarnation of the other One,
the Sun of another world reflected in the scripts
given to the cosmic sky painter of wine and fire
and the arcane lyrics given to an angel choir.Whoa! SLOW DOWN! You are falling down semantic stairs. Give this a chance. Punctuate it to clarity. If you cannot see where to stick the squiggly marks then you have written something untenable. This is breathless prose. Big breath and start again.
The other world is seen in an unacknowledged glance
or with the lidless eyes of one they assume insane
or in the supplicant gaze of shadowed innocence,
the searching eyes of my child in the eternal rain,
who battles private phantoms that tilt and jeer at night
when Suns from neither world can illuminate her plight. Softly, you think your thoughts much faster than you can stitch them together in this one. Just chill out a little and decide what each line is going to say, divide by three then add the idea you first thought of.
The cosmic sky painter of wine and fire? Is that Dave the Decorator?
I wish I had a little of what you have...but only a little. Excellent and unobtrusive rhymes. Some may cry foul at glance/ innocence and eclipse/script but I say fooey. Good enough is good enough everytime.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-27-2013, 01:18 AM)tectak Wrote: (03-26-2013, 05:13 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: [Image: http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee143...2cd9ed.jpg]
Glimpses of a Sanctuary
Lowered eyelids, shields shut tight against the brilliant Sun,
protect the eyes in danger of blinding by eclipse
but conceal the incarnation of the other One,
the Sun of another world reflected in the scripts
given to the cosmic sky painter of wine and fire
and the arcane lyrics given to an angel choir.Whoa! SLOW DOWN! You are falling down semantic stairs. Give this a chance. Punctuate it to clarity. If you cannot see where to stick the squiggly marks then you have written something untenable. This is breathless prose. Big breath and start again.
The other world is seen in an unacknowledged glance
or with the lidless eyes of one they assume insane
or in the supplicant gaze of shadowed innocence,
the searching eyes of my child in the eternal rain,
who battles private phantoms that tilt and jeer at night
when Suns from neither world can illuminate her plight. Softly, you think your thoughts much faster than you can stitch them together in this one. Just chill out a little and decide what each line is going to say, divide by three then add the idea you first thought of.
The cosmic sky painter of wine and fire? Is that Dave the Decorator?
I wish I had a little of what you have...but only a little. Excellent and unobtrusive rhymes. Some may cry foul at glance/ innocence and eclipse/script but I say fooey. Good enough is good enough everytime.
Best,
tectak
I will paste this onto a brand new page and stare at it until squiggly lines appear!
