Wreckage ( alliteration explored)

[tectak]

Hi softlyfalling (Amy did I read somewhere else?)

I really liked the story / ideas you present here and I aught to really dig this because I have to confess to being a bit of a alliteration junky..But I could just not quite bring myself to say that I love it. (Although I really want to). It just seems to be working too hard and the alliterations are more like and explosion than explored. This has such a lot of good word choices (as always it seems from you) and some lovely images coming through..and it seems that you have kept an excellent grip on the thought progressions and maintained a constant heavenly fire thing going on...see what I mean, I find so much to enjoy and admire in this, but I feel that the alliteration is too much and that to explore this poetic devise...less is defiantly more and will make this smoother and less laboured.

Hope this is of some help...and i really hope that this is one that you continue with i think it will be well worth it.
AJ.

I could not agree more! I was going to soften the onslaught before I posted, but then I decided to throw the original out there and see if it survives the ensuing onslaught..LOLOL. You are actually far gentler and kinder than I was anticipating. My secret (not any more) agenda here is to get some ideas and inspiration from any feedback i get to make a reasonable poem.
So...any specific suggestions?

Hi softly,
To the edit...yes. Much improved. Wordy is not worthy except as an "exercise".
If you really like alliteration then by all means just stick up a list of clicky words....oh, that's not poetry, though. OK. I will give the words thematic purpose...better. Touble is, it still dooesn't feel poetic enough. It is still just showing of my word skills ( and how you love 'em. Especially empyreal/n!)
Go on, enjoy yourself, make it rhyme!
Best,
tectak

Thank you! Have you ever felt as though you have been freed from your own chains? Rhyme may change the course of the whole poem,but at least i will know where it is going...so here goes...

Good for you...enjoy it! It lasts all day!
Best,
tectak