As the Clock Ticks

[Todd]

Hi C.M.C, welcome to the site! I see you've already done a revision, so I'll address my comments there:

Revised

The clock ticks as all other noise fades.
Only silence remains,--don't think you need this line because line 1 makes it redundant.
except the clicking, ticking, the time of the day.--I like clicking ticking. I think the rhythm might be enhanced by shortening the final phrase to "time of day"
Pain comes and goes, like the tides on the shore,--pain is a bit abstract though not horrible. Ebbs and flows may be a better substitute for comes and goes. I like the simile though you can probably cut "the"
and after moaning and groaning, I hunger for more.
I sit in this chair
watching the clock,
watching every minute struck.--these three lines build monotony well. You may be able to cut the second watching without losing much
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking as all other noise fades.--not sure if this two lines of repetition buys you much

There are times of peace and times of war,--reminds me of Ecclesiastes
as I sit upon this chair.
But what I find when I don’t turn to Him
is that the clock does not seem to care.
For I am only here for a fraction of all.--a new way of saying life is a vapor. You may be able to tie this more into your image. I'd like it to be a bit more evocative.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking as all other noise fades.--consider cutting all to enhance the rhythm. Of the two possible cuts, I'd keep other to enhance the o sounds.

And when I sit up, I leave this chamber,
through the door I slowly slip out.--these lines could be condensed. You could get to this outcome with less words
I ask Him “Will this be remembered?”
He says “No, for it is built by mere man.
I’ve watched nations rise just as they fall.
My child you were only there for a fraction of all.
So what you hear when silence remains,
and the clock ticking just as well fades?

I hope some of that is helpful.

Best,

Todd