The clock ticks “one, two,” as all other noise fades.
And only silence remains,
except the clicking, the ticking, the time of the day.
Pain comes, pain goes, like the tides on the shore,
and after moaning and groaning, I only hunger for more.
I sit in this chair
watching the clock,
watching the minutes the hand has struck.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking “one, two,” as all other noise fades.

There are times of peace and times of war,
as I sit upon this chair.
But what I find when I don’t turn to You
is that the clock does not seem to care.
For I am only here for a fraction of all.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking “one, two,” as all other noise fades.

And when I sit up, I stand up, I leave this dull room,
and through the door I slowly slip out.
I ask Him “how many minutes past noon?”
He says “None, time is built by mere man.
I watched nations rise just as quickly as they fall.
My child you were only there for a fraction of all.
So what you hear when silence remains,
and the clock ticking “one, two,” just as well fades?”

Revision
The clock ticks on as all the noise fades,
but the clicking, ticking, time of day.
Pain rises and lowers, like the tides on the shore.
After moaning and groaning, It strikes at my core.
I sit in this chair watching the clock,
growing pained with every minute struck.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
The clock’s ticking as the other noise fades.

There are times of peace and times of war,
as I sit upon this chair.
What I find when I don’t turn to Him
is the clock does not care.
The terror being that life is a fraction of all.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
The clock’s ticking as the other noise fades.

When I stand up I leave this dull room;
through the door I then slowly slip out.
I ask “What made it all the way through?”
He says “Nothing in time is devout.
I watched nations rise just as they fall.
Your time is but fraction of all.
So what do you hear when silence remains,
and the clock’s ticking then just as well fades?”

Hi. I'm thinking you could squeeze out words from this poem to good effect. Unless a word is critical to meaning, rhythm, meter or logic it can be cut. Or maybe that's just me. Anyway, I'll share my thoughts, and you can do what you want.

(03-23-2013, 03:13 PM)C.M.C. Wrote:  The clock ticks “one, two,” as all other noise fades.
And only silence remains, cut 'and'
except the clicking, the ticking, the time of the day. try: except the clicking, ticking time of day
Pain comes, pain goes, like the tides on the shore,
and after moaning and groaning, I only hunger for more. cut 'only' maybe. To my ear it is a bump which blunts 'hunger'
I sit in this chair
watching the clock,
watching the minutes the hand has struck.this sentence could lose words and still tell us what something. You have two 'the' and 'hand' that could be squeezed: watching minutes struck , or: watching every minute struck
So what do I hear when silence remains?Does silence remain, or does everything else fade? you use both ideas. You could use: 'what do I hear but silence?
Only the clock ticking “one, two,” as all other noise fades. The first time this line appears, it makes sense to have the other noises fade. But now that other noises have already faded, you can lose 'as all other noise fades'

There are times of peace and times of war,
as I sit upon this chair. logically this is ok, but for me it might be better if you switch this line with the one above: I sit upon this chair/in times of peace and war
But what I find when I don’t turn to You
is that the clock does not seem to care. Who is 'You'? Is it me, the reader? I'm not clear. I get the meaning to be that time is indifferent to me, and that the speaker is too. Maybe a bit of clarity as to 'You'. You could remove 'but' and say 'When I don't turn to You/the clock doesn't care'
For I am only here for a fraction of all.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking “one, two,” as all other noise fades.

And when I sit up, I stand up, I leave this dull room, you change position twice in one line. Presumably speaker was lying down on the ground? If he wasn't, then one of those changes is not necessary. Also, you could remove the comma at the end and put a semicolon, then remove 'and' from the next line, since the next line is really an averbial clause of sorts for the 'leave' on this line.
and through the door I slowly slip out.
I ask Him “how many minutes past noon?” Who is 'Him'? And speaker was just watching a clock. Does he not know how to read it, or does the clock tell a different sort of time?
He says “None, time is built by mere man.
I watched nations rise just as quickly as they fall. 'just' could be cut. You could make "I" into "I've", otherwise this man has 'watched', but is not still watching. Maybe you could squeeze more words out, and make this line paradoxical in nature, to emphasize that time is 'built by mere men' and that this person is above it? Maybe:
I've watched nations rise as they fall
My child you were only there for a fraction of all.
So what you hear when silence remains,
and the clock ticking “one, two,” just as well fades?” inside quotes you can put single quotes. So you could write "one, two" here as 'one, two' so the reader doesn't get confused

So, the purpose of the poem seems to be to show the nature of time in terms of events within it, and its indifference to those events and their actors. Also included is the thought that time is abstract and made by men, who are 'mere', and so is in fact a limited thing itself. Have I got that right?

Not a bad concept. I just suggest squeezing out words, and making sure we know more about the characters in this poem.

Hope this is helpful.

Mikey.

I feel like this theme might better be expressed in a tighter but yet more abstract way...fewer words creating images that are analogous, not quite so concrete. Time is so abstract that one wonders if it exists at all. I think not, but this is my own personal philosophy.
That being said, a poem that is meant to be serious and intellectual might omit the words "one two" at the beginning...my inner child stood up at the front of the class and started right in with "One, two, buckle my shoe"

Thanks for the advice! I might just want to point out the meaning though. I am a Christian and God influences my writing a lot. There's occasionally a poem where I don't reference him, but this is not one. When I say "Him" that's who I am talking about (hence it being capitalized). I edited it and I think it looks a lot better now. Thanks again!

Hi C.M.C, welcome to the site! I see you've already done a revision, so I'll address my comments there:

(03-23-2013, 03:13 PM)C.M.C. Wrote:  Revised

The clock ticks as all other noise fades.
Only silence remains,--don't think you need this line because line 1 makes it redundant.
except the clicking, ticking, the time of the day.--I like clicking ticking. I think the rhythm might be enhanced by shortening the final phrase to "time of day"
Pain comes and goes, like the tides on the shore,--pain is a bit abstract though not horrible. Ebbs and flows may be a better substitute for comes and goes. I like the simile though you can probably cut "the"
and after moaning and groaning, I hunger for more.
I sit in this chair
watching the clock,
watching every minute struck.--these three lines build monotony well. You may be able to cut the second watching without losing much
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking as all other noise fades.--not sure if this two lines of repetition buys you much

There are times of peace and times of war,--reminds me of Ecclesiastes
as I sit upon this chair.
But what I find when I don’t turn to Him
is that the clock does not seem to care.
For I am only here for a fraction of all.--a new way of saying life is a vapor. You may be able to tie this more into your image. I'd like it to be a bit more evocative.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking as all other noise fades.--consider cutting all to enhance the rhythm. Of the two possible cuts, I'd keep other to enhance the o sounds.

And when I sit up, I leave this chamber,
through the door I slowly slip out.--these lines could be condensed. You could get to this outcome with less words
I ask Him “Will this be remembered?”
He says “No, for it is built by mere man.
I’ve watched nations rise just as they fall.
My child you were only there for a fraction of all.
So what you hear when silence remains,
and the clock ticking just as well fades?

I hope some of that is helpful.

Best,

Todd

Thanks Todd for the feedback! I edited it again. (edit) {I just messed around with meters a bit. Really useful things, they are!}

I like the edit. I'll let it sit for awhile, and see if any changes occur to me.

nice.............

(03-23-2013, 03:13 PM)C.M.C. Wrote:  Revision
The clock ticks as all other noise fades.
but the clicking, ticking, time of day. This is a fragment. Remove the period on the previous line and put a comma. You can safely lose 'other' in my opinion. It's superfluous on the first line, since the second line says 'but [i.e. except] the clicking, ticking...' . Keep the 'other' in all the other places starting 'The clock', since it does makes sense in those places.
Pain rises and recedes, like the tides on the shore,
and after moaning and groaning, I hunger for more.
I sit in this chair watching the clock,
growing pained with every minute struck.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
The clock’s ticking as the other noise fades.

There are times of peace and times of war,
as I sit upon this chair.
What I find when I don’t turn to Him
is the clock does not care.
The terror being that life is a fraction of all.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
The clock’s ticking as the other noise fades.

When I stand up I leave this dull room, Still think this line ought to end with a semicolon.
through the door I slowly slip out.
I ask “What remains the whole way through?”
He says “Nothing in time is devout.
I watched nations rise just as they fall.
Your times are merely fractions of all.
So what do you hear when silence remains, You forgot 'do'
and the clock’s ticking just as well fades?”

Definitely an improvement! Good job.

Mikey.

(03-24-2013, 03:03 PM)smjafrulhassan Wrote:  nice.............

Hi smjafrulhassan, please review the forum requirements. One word reviews are not adequate for any of the critique forums. In Serious especially we expect more.

Darn semicolons and leavin' out words! Okay I made a few tiny edits so I think it's pretty good. But then again nothing is set in stone. Thank you all for helping me out!

(03-23-2013, 03:13 PM)C.M.C. Wrote:  The clock ticks “one, two,” as all other noise fades.
And only silence remains,
except the clicking, the ticking, the time of the day.
Pain comes, pain goes, like the tides on the shore,
and after moaning and groaning, I only hunger for more.
I sit in this chair
watching the clock,
watching the minutes the hand has struck.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking “one, two,” as all other noise fades.

There are times of peace and times of war,
as I sit upon this chair.
But what I find when I don’t turn to You
is that the clock does not seem to care.
For I am only here for a fraction of all.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking “one, two,” as all other noise fades.

And when I sit up, I stand up, I leave this dull room,
and through the door I slowly slip out.
I ask Him “how many minutes past noon?”
He says “None, time is built by mere man.
I watched nations rise just as quickly as they fall.
My child you were only there for a fraction of all.
So what you hear when silence remains,
and the clock ticking “one, two,” just as well fades?”

Revision
The clock ticks on as all noise fades,
but the clicking, ticking, time of day. a redundant line
Pain rises and recedes, like the tides on the shore, rises and falls or approaches and receeds. There is only one tide per shore.
and after moaning and groaning, I hunger for more. I shot an elephant in my pyjamas...moaning and groaning tides? Why on earth would you want more? Oh. it rhymes with shore. Forced.
I sit in this chair watching the clock,
growing pained with every minute struck. Nonsense line. Not worthy. Cut it out. See! It makes no difference...but its much quieter without the bloody clock chiming ever minute!
So what do I hear when silence remains?
The clock’s ticking as the other noise fades.Yes...I think I've got that.

There are times of peace and times of war, Cliche...you don't say?
as I sit upon this chair. Believe me, the good and bad go on whether you sit on your chair or not!
What I find when I don’t turn to Him
is the clock does not care. Oh. God's popped in to pass the time of day...and once you had a chat over a tea and a bath oliver out he came with a stunning god-sent revelation...the clock cares. Be careful of over weighty pronouncements attributed to your God. Though possibly true for you is not necessarily a "truism".It comes across as preachy and evangelical.
The terror being that life is a fraction of all.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall. well worn old sweater. Threadbare.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
The clock’s ticking as the other noise fades.

When I stand up I leave this dull room; Hang on. You've stood up and left the room, through the wall, presumably. Then you are back in and decide to use the door. These lines need looking at
through the door I then slowly slip out.
I ask “What made it all the way through?” It was inevitable. You have lost your own plot. Things started to go to hell when god arrived.You went off on another track, but like a lost husband, you are telling your wife that this is the way you meant to go. Not convinced.
He says “Nothing in time is devout.
I watched nations rise just as they fall.
Your time is but fraction of all.
So what do you hear when silence remains,
and the clock’s ticking then just as well fades?” Bet he didn't. He is usually much more profound than this. I expected him to end with "...any chance of another biscuit?"

You are trying to be too profound, too often, in too many ways, in too long a poem.

The thing was ticking along nicely on the clock idea, then you just got carried away. Not sure that you are entitled to put words into god's mouth. It smacks of hearing voices. I once heard someone say " God said, and I think he may be right..." . Think on.
Best,
tectak

First of all Tectak. I believe that you have a bit of a bias when reading my poem. Is poetry not for self expression, whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindi, Pagan? (Oh how the list goes on!) Even people with no religion can write poetry! When I say that "He" speaks in the poem, I don't necessarily think God speaks to me, but more so it is my views. When you say I lose my plot, did I? Or did I move on to another place in the story. I don't even see where you got that he was already out of the room. I'll admit it. You had me their with the forced rhyme. But it feels more that you are here to attack my beliefs than critique my poem. (P.S. - It's called a refrain. Repetition plays it's part in poetry as well.)

(03-25-2013, 01:58 AM)C.M.C. Wrote:  First of all Tectak. I believe that you have a bit of a bias when reading my poem. Is poetry not for self expression, whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindi, Pagan? (Oh how the list goes on!) Even people with no religion can write poetry! When I say that "He" speaks in the poem, I don't necessarily think God speaks to me, but more so it is my views. When you say I lose my plot, did I? Or did I move on to another place in the story. I don't even see where you got that he was already out of the room. I'll admit it. You had me their with the forced rhyme. But it feels more that you are here to attack my beliefs than critique my poem. (P.S. - It's called a refrain. Repetition plays it's part in poetry as well.)

Nope. No ad hominem....comments on the poem only.
Belief is everyone's right and I have no axe to grind.
Best,
tectak
Re-assess me.