Black, white, cold

[milo]

Hello person!

The original is in mild... but I guess I'm just aching for some harsher feedback on the revision. =] Any suggestions for titles are welcome, I'm generally terrible with them. Thanks all.


original title: winter in the Midwest


Black, white, cold

Lack of color kills me
slow, cold parasite eating up
morale.

here we have an abstraction (color) eating another abstraction. A great way to draw your readers in is with concrete imagery.


Golden sun faded

I can't see why you mentioned that the sun is golden. Isn't it always pretty much golden? or yellow?

straining light

I think you mean "straining to provide light". "straining light" would mean the sun was like a colander, straining out the light.

blue sky blighted,

If a sky is /not/ blue it is probably worth mentioning, if it is blue, it is pretty much just a boring old sky.

diseased and pale.

a diseased sky? i am having trouble here. Can the sky catch Hepatitis B?


Both feeble, cannot entwine
and create earth's green
far below.

Head weary
midday

I love brevity, but what purpose is it serving here? Also, a note for linebreaks, try to break on nouns or verbs unless you are creating double meanings, suspense, etc. "Head weary midday" if I read through the enjambment.


I'm left gazing down
at weathered boots
and ground of trampled whites
unpure, sorry browns and greys.

"whites unpure" is a sorry inversion and a weird convolution of impure.
Think of how much better this would be with specifics.


Something tugs inside my ribs.

The early creep

If this was an actual creep who snuck up on you and grabbed your ribs, i would love this. Unfortunately, you are again, deep in the lands of abstraction.

of moonlit black
is almost
sweet relief;

abstraction and a cliche

perhaps the color
is hiding
behind nighttime's
thick mask

abstraction and modified abstraction


as I seek.

seek "what". you need an object for this verb.

The thought is not enough,

what thought?

curled inside my room

there is a thought curled inside your room?

of orange and green and blue
with every light turned on.
I avoid the window's
somber look,
drag my eyes apart
focus on bright screens
and words from people
far away.

The combination of the endless abstractions and the tortured syntax don't provide a great read for me. Readers want crisp specific images and fresh new language.

HTH

milo

(I can't make a triolet out of this, sorry)