Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
Enlightenment’s Release
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessence
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.
Seek the air which sparks innate candescence
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,
Discover there the sensate mystery
Your heart’s philosophy to understand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pall
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.
Rewrite:
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessence
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.
Seek the air which sparks innate candescence
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,
Discover there the sensate mystery
That shapes somatic form from dust and sand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pall
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.
re-rewrite: (HELP!!! the last line is hopelessly cheesy and my mind just broke)
Spurn the shadow of the saint's quintessence
where you languish, cold, quiescent fire.
Seek the air which sparks innate candescence
and lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with ready hand.
Discover there the sensate mystery
that shapes somatic form from dust and sand.
Rise up and battle darkness for control,
open your eyes and light will fill your soul.
This poem sounds nice. And it would feel nice too, but my heart's philosophy handles things similarly yet very differently.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand
Discover there the sensate mystery
Your heart’s philosophy to understand.
The "understand" line doesn't work as well as the rest of the poem, I don't think. The way that line's worded, to fit the rhyme, breaks the spell a little.
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-21-2013, 10:21 PM)rowens Wrote: This poem sounds nice. And it would feel nice too, but my heart's philosophy handles things similarly yet very differently.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand
Discover there the sensate mystery
Your heart’s philosophy to understand.
The "understand" line doesn't work as well as the rest of the poem, I don't think. The way that line's worded, to fit the rhyme, breaks the spell a little.
I agree...but could you suggest a way to restructure the line?
I think it's good to have a rhyme there. But "Your heart’s philosophy to understand" kind of feels like a filler line.
The rest of the poem sounds good. And I figure you know what you're doing, and can work out something there that feels more natural like the rest of it.
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-21-2013, 10:42 PM)rowens Wrote: I think it's good to have a rhyme there. But "Your heart’s philosophy to understand" kind of feels like a filler line.
The rest of the poem sounds good. And I figure you know what you're doing, and can work out something there that feels more natural like the rest of it.
I threw the baby out with the bathwater, thought about what I am really trying to express here, and wrote a whole new line...what do you think?
It does work better now. Everything works together.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-21-2013, 10:09 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: Hi softly,
I try not to do deep or obscure myself and so am a poor judge. I will sick to the technicalties...mostly nits.
Enlightenment’s Release
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessenceSaints'-plural. Shadow of the-singular. OK with you?
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.No capitals at line start. It is retro and confusing.Not sure about "covert". Why is it covert?
Seek the air which sparks innate candescenceLike this line very much. The "innate" word works well. The overall "thought" though escapes me. I get the rising star bit, but then I find that I am anthropomorphising things...it is the "...lifts YOU up.." that swerves me. Are we talking about the nuclear spark that triggers fusion? Covert and cold to "candescent" in a couple of lines would indicate as much. Still, the imagery is clear per se and, dare I say it, poetic, at the same time!
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,Joyful hand?
Discover there the sensate mystery
Your heart’s philosophy to understand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pallPossibly just too rich for my digestive powers. Overwordy and Yoda creeping in. It happens. You have a lot to get out and once it starts it comes out like lumpy toothpaste. You have a style...I cannot presume to take that away and would not succeed anyway. Just too verbose for for the simplistic and condensed concept.
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.Yoda at the end. Inversions like this are most obvious when the body of the piece is so good. A rearrange would help otherwise it sounds a bit like something from the Old English Hymn Book.
Rewrite:
Pretty well all of the above crit applies but the editing around the "your heart's philosophy" is excellent and a great improvement. Well done
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessence
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.
Seek the air which sparks innate candescence
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,
Discover there the sensate mystery
That shapes somatic form from dust and sand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pall
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-22-2013, 07:21 PM)tectak Wrote: (03-21-2013, 10:09 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: Hi softly,
I try not to do deep or obscure myself and so am a poor judge. I will sick to the technicalties...mostly nits.
Enlightenment’s Release
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessenceSaints'-plural. Shadow of the-singular. OK with you?
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.No capitals at line start. It is retro and confusing.Not sure about "covert". Why is it covert?
Seek the air which sparks innate candescenceLike this line very much. The "innate" word works well. The overall "thought" though escapes me. I get the rising star bit, but then I find that I am anthropomorphising things...it is the "...lifts YOU up.." that swerves me. Are we talking about the nuclear spark that triggers fusion? Covert and cold to "candescent" in a couple of lines would indicate as much. Still, the imagery is clear per se and, dare I say it, poetic, at the same time!
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,Joyful hand?
Discover there the sensate mystery
Your heart’s philosophy to understand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pallPossibly just too rich for my digestive powers. Overwordy and Yoda creeping in. It happens. You have a lot to get out and once it starts it comes out like lumpy toothpaste. You have a style...I cannot presume to take that away and would not succeed anyway. Just too verbose for for the simplistic and condensed concept.
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.Yoda at the end. Inversions like this are most obvious when the body of the piece is so good. A rearrange would help otherwise it sounds a bit like something from the Old English Hymn Book.
Rewrite:
Pretty well all of the above crit applies but the editing around the "your heart's philosophy" is excellent and a great improvement. Well done
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessence
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.
Seek the air which sparks innate candescence
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,
Discover there the sensate mystery
That shapes somatic form from dust and sand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pall
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.
Thank you...I have a suspicion you are gentling your approach and I wish I could tell you how much i appreciate that.
I just had an epiphany, reading this! I don't HAVE to capitalize each line to be correct! For w woman who craves order and structure to offset reality, this us a huge leap for me.
Ok...now to edit, and thank you tectak...you rock!
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-22-2013, 07:47 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: (03-22-2013, 07:21 PM)tectak Wrote: (03-21-2013, 10:09 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: Hi softly,
I try not to do deep or obscure myself and so am a poor judge. I will sick to the technicalties...mostly nits.
Enlightenment’s Release
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessenceSaints'-plural. Shadow of the-singular. OK with you?
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.No capitals at line start. It is retro and confusing.Not sure about "covert". Why is it covert?
Seek the air which sparks innate candescenceLike this line very much. The "innate" word works well. The overall "thought" though escapes me. I get the rising star bit, but then I find that I am anthropomorphising things...it is the "...lifts YOU up.." that swerves me. Are we talking about the nuclear spark that triggers fusion? Covert and cold to "candescent" in a couple of lines would indicate as much. Still, the imagery is clear per se and, dare I say it, poetic, at the same time!
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,Joyful hand?
Discover there the sensate mystery
Your heart’s philosophy to understand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pallPossibly just too rich for my digestive powers. Overwordy and Yoda creeping in. It happens. You have a lot to get out and once it starts it comes out like lumpy toothpaste. You have a style...I cannot presume to take that away and would not succeed anyway. Just too verbose for for the simplistic and condensed concept.
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.Yoda at the end. Inversions like this are most obvious when the body of the piece is so good. A rearrange would help otherwise it sounds a bit like something from the Old English Hymn Book.
Rewrite:
Pretty well all of the above crit applies but the editing around the "your heart's philosophy" is excellent and a great improvement. Well done
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessence
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.
Seek the air which sparks innate candescence
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,
Discover there the sensate mystery
That shapes somatic form from dust and sand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pall
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.
Thank you...I have a suspicion you are gentling your approach and I wish I could tell you how much i appreciate that.
I just had an epiphany, reading this! I don't HAVE to capitalize each line to be correct! For w woman who craves order and structure to offset reality, this us a huge leap for me.
Ok...now to edit, and thank you tectak...you rock!
Have you considered that your poetry is not as enraging as some 
Best,
tectak
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-22-2013, 08:28 PM)tectak Wrote: (03-22-2013, 07:47 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: (03-22-2013, 07:21 PM)tectak Wrote: (03-21-2013, 10:09 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: Hi softly,
I try not to do deep or obscure myself and so am a poor judge. I will sick to the technicalties...mostly nits.
Enlightenment’s Release
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessenceSaints'-plural. Shadow of the-singular. OK with you?
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.No capitals at line start. It is retro and confusing.Not sure about "covert". Why is it covert?
Seek the air which sparks innate candescenceLike this line very much. The "innate" word works well. The overall "thought" though escapes me. I get the rising star bit, but then I find that I am anthropomorphising things...it is the "...lifts YOU up.." that swerves me. Are we talking about the nuclear spark that triggers fusion? Covert and cold to "candescent" in a couple of lines would indicate as much. Still, the imagery is clear per se and, dare I say it, poetic, at the same time!
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,Joyful hand?
Discover there the sensate mystery
Your heart’s philosophy to understand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pallPossibly just too rich for my digestive powers. Overwordy and Yoda creeping in. It happens. You have a lot to get out and once it starts it comes out like lumpy toothpaste. You have a style...I cannot presume to take that away and would not succeed anyway. Just too verbose for for the simplistic and condensed concept.
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.Yoda at the end. Inversions like this are most obvious when the body of the piece is so good. A rearrange would help otherwise it sounds a bit like something from the Old English Hymn Book.
Rewrite:
Pretty well all of the above crit applies but the editing around the "your heart's philosophy" is excellent and a great improvement. Well done
Spurn the shadow of the saints' quintessence
Where you languish, cold and covert fire.
Seek the air which sparks innate candescence
And lifts you up, imperfect splendid star,
Into an everlasting cosmic sea.
Reach down and touch the earth with joyful hand,
Discover there the sensate mystery
That shapes somatic form from dust and sand.
Arise in synthesis from shadow’s pall
Arousing from unconsciousness your soul.
Thank you...I have a suspicion you are gentling your approach and I wish I could tell you how much i appreciate that.
I just had an epiphany, reading this! I don't HAVE to capitalize each line to be correct! For w woman who craves order and structure to offset reality, this us a huge leap for me.
Ok...now to edit, and thank you tectak...you rock!
Have you considered that your poetry is not as enraging as some
Best,
tectak
really? you might be surprised what a brat I am LOLOL
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