As the Clock Ticks

[NakedBear]

Hi. I'm thinking you could squeeze out words from this poem to good effect. Unless a word is critical to meaning, rhythm, meter or logic it can be cut. Or maybe that's just me. Anyway, I'll share my thoughts, and you can do what you want.

The clock ticks “one, two,” as all other noise fades.
And only silence remains, cut 'and'
except the clicking, the ticking, the time of the day. try: except the clicking, ticking time of day
Pain comes, pain goes, like the tides on the shore,
and after moaning and groaning, I only hunger for more. cut 'only' maybe. To my ear it is a bump which blunts 'hunger'
I sit in this chair
watching the clock,
watching the minutes the hand has struck.this sentence could lose words and still tell us what something. You have two 'the' and 'hand' that could be squeezed: watching minutes struck , or: watching every minute struck
So what do I hear when silence remains?Does silence remain, or does everything else fade? you use both ideas. You could use: 'what do I hear but silence?
Only the clock ticking “one, two,” as all other noise fades. The first time this line appears, it makes sense to have the other noises fade. But now that other noises have already faded, you can lose 'as all other noise fades'

There are times of peace and times of war,
as I sit upon this chair. logically this is ok, but for me it might be better if you switch this line with the one above: I sit upon this chair/in times of peace and war
But what I find when I don’t turn to You
is that the clock does not seem to care. Who is 'You'? Is it me, the reader? I'm not clear. I get the meaning to be that time is indifferent to me, and that the speaker is too. Maybe a bit of clarity as to 'You'. You could remove 'but' and say 'When I don't turn to You/the clock doesn't care'
For I am only here for a fraction of all.
Within a matter of seconds a nation can fall.
So what do I hear when silence remains?
Only the clock ticking “one, two,” as all other noise fades.

And when I sit up, I stand up, I leave this dull room, you change position twice in one line. Presumably speaker was lying down on the ground? If he wasn't, then one of those changes is not necessary. Also, you could remove the comma at the end and put a semicolon, then remove 'and' from the next line, since the next line is really an averbial clause of sorts for the 'leave' on this line.
and through the door I slowly slip out.
I ask Him “how many minutes past noon?” Who is 'Him'? And speaker was just watching a clock. Does he not know how to read it, or does the clock tell a different sort of time?
He says “None, time is built by mere man.
I watched nations rise just as quickly as they fall. 'just' could be cut. You could make "I" into "I've", otherwise this man has 'watched', but is not still watching. Maybe you could squeeze more words out, and make this line paradoxical in nature, to emphasize that time is 'built by mere men' and that this person is above it? Maybe:
I've watched nations rise as they fall
My child you were only there for a fraction of all.
So what you hear when silence remains,
and the clock ticking “one, two,” just as well fades?” inside quotes you can put single quotes. So you could write "one, two" here as 'one, two' so the reader doesn't get confused

So, the purpose of the poem seems to be to show the nature of time in terms of events within it, and its indifference to those events and their actors. Also included is the thought that time is abstract and made by men, who are 'mere', and so is in fact a limited thing itself. Have I got that right?

Not a bad concept. I just suggest squeezing out words, and making sure we know more about the characters in this poem.

Hope this is helpful.

Mikey.