03-20-2013, 02:59 AM
I love internal rhyme when done as well as this...perhaps even enhance it further in some places? For instance in the very first line, if you use the plural...lies...you have a perfect rhyme with "cries" to create an awareness in the reader's mind. I would try to add some form of this somewhere in the middle...
One grammatical pet peeve of mine....line three should be "me" not "I"...I is the subject, not the object of a verb clause.
I guess your entire structure is based on enjambment. In some ways, this makes it read like broken prose, but that is apropos to the narrative, so this is in no way a criticism.
One more observation: in line 12, I wonder if you would consider "begged" instead of "told" as it implies a kind of desperate attempt at deflecting the inevitable..."told" is sort of imperious instead.
One grammatical pet peeve of mine....line three should be "me" not "I"...I is the subject, not the object of a verb clause.
I guess your entire structure is based on enjambment. In some ways, this makes it read like broken prose, but that is apropos to the narrative, so this is in no way a criticism.
One more observation: in line 12, I wonder if you would consider "begged" instead of "told" as it implies a kind of desperate attempt at deflecting the inevitable..."told" is sort of imperious instead.