Harlequin

[Bloggsworth]

Sweat-wet shirts steam
in late November sun.
Front rows, three by three,
six pairs of eyes
unblinking in their enmity,
spine-jarring grunt
of shoulder on shoulder,
heads interlocking,
the rasp of stubble on cheek,
twinned stench of beer and body-odour,
nape of neck taking the strain,
the rutting upward heave,
sinews stretched,
discs compressed,
pain ignored, breath forced
from straining lungs.

Break break break!

[tectak]

Sweat wet shirts steamI am not a hyphen-fan, but maybe between "sweat" and "wet"?
in late November sun.
Front rows, three by three
six pairs of eyes
unblinking in their enmity.Excellent stuff. And I don't watch Rugby
spine-jarring gruntLike to see capital letter, here. Not because it is correct but because you ARE using punctuation. Why pick and choose?
of shoulder on shoulder,
heads interlocking,
the rasp of stubble on cheek,
twinned stench of beer and body-odour,
nape of neck taking the strain,
the rutting upward heave,
sinews stretched,
discs compressed,
pain ignored, breath forced
from straining lungs.All the bricks are in place but held together by the ephemoral, transient comma. You could dramatise this stanza by lightly sectioning the observations. As it is, it it works...but it could work for me instead of against me. Even semi-colons considered.

Break break break!

Yes to this. The nits are hovering below the lip of sweet perfection like flies round a jam-jar. You could put the top on the jar.
Thanks for this.
Best,
tectak

[Bloggsworth]

Sweat wet shirts steamI am not a hyphen-fan, but maybe between "sweat" and "wet"?
in late November sun.
Front rows, three by three
six pairs of eyes
unblinking in their enmity.Excellent stuff. And I don't watch Rugby
spine-jarring gruntLike to see capital letter, here. Not because it is correct but because you ARE using punctuation. Why pick and choose?
of shoulder on shoulder,
heads interlocking,
the rasp of stubble on cheek,
twinned stench of beer and body-odour,
nape of neck taking the strain,
the rutting upward heave,
sinews stretched,
discs compressed,
pain ignored, breath forced
from straining lungs.All the bricks are in place but held together by the ephemoral, transient comma. You could dramatise this stanza by lightly sectioning the observations. As it is, it it works...but it could work for me instead of against me. Even semi-colons considered.

Break break break!

Yes to this. The nits are hovering below the lip of sweet perfection like flies round a jam-jar. You could put the top on the jar.
Thanks for this.
Best,
tectak

Yes to the hyphen.

Don't understand the capital letter bit when the previous line ends with a comma.

Don't understand the last point at all.

[tectak]

Sweat wet shirts steamI am not a hyphen-fan, but maybe between "sweat" and "wet"?
in late November sun.
Front rows, three by three
six pairs of eyes
unblinking in their enmity.Excellent stuff. And I don't watch Rugby
spine-jarring gruntLike to see capital letter, here. Not because it is correct but because you ARE using punctuation. Why pick and choose?
of shoulder on shoulder,
heads interlocking,
the rasp of stubble on cheek,
twinned stench of beer and body-odour,
nape of neck taking the strain,
the rutting upward heave,
sinews stretched,
discs compressed,
pain ignored, breath forced
from straining lungs.All the bricks are in place but held together by the ephemoral, transient comma. You could dramatise this stanza by lightly sectioning the observations. As it is, it it works...but it could work for me instead of against me. Even semi-colons considered.

Break break break!

Yes to this. The nits are hovering below the lip of sweet perfection like flies round a jam-jar. You could put the top on the jar.
Thanks for this.
Best,
tectak

Yes to the hyphen.

Don't understand the capital letter bit when the previous line ends with a comma.

Don't understand the last point at all.

Hello bloggs,
I got ahead if myself and changed the comma to a full stop after enmity...fell asleep...woke up and noticed the lack of capital letter after the full stop.
Regarding the comma storm. The last run of "points" reads breathlessly if read out loud. There is a tendency to dimish the functionality of the poor commas to simply suit the reader's oratorial interpretation. In other words, the use of the comma is dimished just because it is gratuitous. This may be deliberately liberating in the piece, but I like the poet to give me clear instructions...if only to let me disagree with some conviction
Best,
tectak

[Bloggsworth]

Sweat wet shirts steamI am not a hyphen-fan, but maybe between "sweat" and "wet"?
in late November sun.
Front rows, three by three
six pairs of eyes
unblinking in their enmity.Excellent stuff. And I don't watch Rugby
spine-jarring gruntLike to see capital letter, here. Not because it is correct but because you ARE using punctuation. Why pick and choose?
of shoulder on shoulder,
heads interlocking,
the rasp of stubble on cheek,
twinned stench of beer and body-odour,
nape of neck taking the strain,
the rutting upward heave,
sinews stretched,
discs compressed,
pain ignored, breath forced
from straining lungs.All the bricks are in place but held together by the ephemoral, transient comma. You could dramatise this stanza by lightly sectioning the observations. As it is, it it works...but it could work for me instead of against me. Even semi-colons considered.

Break break break!

Yes to this. The nits are hovering below the lip of sweet perfection like flies round a jam-jar. You could put the top on the jar.
Thanks for this.
Best,
tectak

Yes to the hyphen.

Don't understand the capital letter bit when the previous line ends with a comma.

Don't understand the last point at all.

Hello bloggs,
I got ahead if myself and changed the comma to a full stop after enmity...fell asleep...woke up and noticed the lack of capital letter after the full stop.
Regarding the comma storm. The last run of "points" reads breathlessly if read out loud. There is a tendency to dimish the functionality of the poor commas to simply suit the reader's oratorial interpretation. In other words, the use of the comma is dimished just because it is gratuitous. This may be deliberately liberating in the piece, but I like the poet to give me clear instructions...if only to let me disagree with some conviction
Best,
tectak

They are meant to read breathlessly - Lungs straining...

[tectak]

Sweat wet shirts steamI am not a hyphen-fan, but maybe between "sweat" and "wet"?
in late November sun.
Front rows, three by three
six pairs of eyes
unblinking in their enmity.Excellent stuff. And I don't watch Rugby
spine-jarring gruntLike to see capital letter, here. Not because it is correct but because you ARE using punctuation. Why pick and choose?
of shoulder on shoulder,
heads interlocking,
the rasp of stubble on cheek,
twinned stench of beer and body-odour,
nape of neck taking the strain,
the rutting upward heave,
sinews stretched,
discs compressed,
pain ignored, breath forced
from straining lungs.All the bricks are in place but held together by the ephemoral, transient comma. You could dramatise this stanza by lightly sectioning the observations. As it is, it it works...but it could work for me instead of against me. Even semi-colons considered.

Break break break!

Yes to this. The nits are hovering below the lip of sweet perfection like flies round a jam-jar. You could put the top on the jar.
Thanks for this.
Best,
tectak

Yes to the hyphen.

Don't understand the capital letter bit when the previous line ends with a comma.

Don't understand the last point at all.

Hello bloggs,
I got ahead if myself and changed the comma to a full stop after enmity...fell asleep...woke up and noticed the lack of capital letter after the full stop.
Regarding the comma storm. The last run of "points" reads breathlessly if read out loud. There is a tendency to dimish the functionality of the poor commas to simply suit the reader's oratorial interpretation. In other words, the use of the comma is dimished just because it is gratuitous. This may be deliberately liberating in the piece, but I like the poet to give me clear instructions...if only to let me disagree with some conviction
Best,
tectak

They are meant to read breathlessly - Lungs straining...

Hi bloggs,
exactly my point so why put them in at all?
Best,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
tectak

[Bloggsworth]

Yes to this. The nits are hovering below the lip of sweet perfection like flies round a jam-jar. You could put the top on the jar.
Thanks for this.
Best,
tectak

Yes to the hyphen.

Don't understand the capital letter bit when the previous line ends with a comma.

Don't understand the last point at all.

Hello bloggs,
I got ahead if myself and changed the comma to a full stop after enmity...fell asleep...woke up and noticed the lack of capital letter after the full stop.
Regarding the comma storm. The last run of "points" reads breathlessly if read out loud. There is a tendency to dimish the functionality of the poor commas to simply suit the reader's oratorial interpretation. In other words, the use of the comma is dimished just because it is gratuitous. This may be deliberately liberating in the piece, but I like the poet to give me clear instructions...if only to let me disagree with some conviction
Best,
tectak

They are meant to read breathlessly - Lungs straining...

Hi bloggs,
exactly my point so why put them in at all?
Best,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
tectak

To make you breathless when you read them...

[justcloudy]

I really like this one Bloggsworth, you capture the feel of sport competition really well. You have so many great bits... "sweat-wet shirts" and "twinned stench of beer and body-odour" are probably my favorites. Nicely done.

As far as what tectak said, I agree that so many commas isn't very aesthetically pleasing, but I see your point about how they make the reader breathless. Without them the poem would flow more leisurely, which isn't really what you want.

[tectak]

Yes to the hyphen.

Don't understand the capital letter bit when the previous line ends with a comma.

Don't understand the last point at all.

Hello bloggs,
I got ahead if myself and changed the comma to a full stop after enmity...fell asleep...woke up and noticed the lack of capital letter after the full stop.
Regarding the comma storm. The last run of "points" reads breathlessly if read out loud. There is a tendency to dimish the functionality of the poor commas to simply suit the reader's oratorial interpretation. In other words, the use of the comma is dimished just because it is gratuitous. This may be deliberately liberating in the piece, but I like the poet to give me clear instructions...if only to let me disagree with some conviction
Best,
tectak

They are meant to read breathlessly - Lungs straining...

Hi bloggs,
exactly my point so why put them in at all?
Best,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
tectak

To make you breathless when you read them...

Result, then
Phew!
Best,
tectak. (great piece)