03-17-2013, 04:44 PM
(This is my first few minutes here, so forgive me if I lack knowledge of the protocol. )
A compelling poem and heartfelt. The original and inherent dichotomy, of course, is that your poem about emptiness is generated by feelings of being full of repressed memories. That has a lot of potential to add interest, in my mind.
May i suggest that you check your tense change between line 10 and line 11? There would be more impact if you stayed in the present tense and "its name rings true" etc. Having been a victim and having spent light years dealing with repressed memories, let me assure you that I am sympathetic to the theme. I think that perhaps my only cognitive stumble in the poem was in line 5... murderous parasite seems like a contradiction in terms. Would you consider "ravenous parasite"? That way, the destruction of the emptiness is inflicted on you, the vessel for the emptiness.
A compelling poem and heartfelt. The original and inherent dichotomy, of course, is that your poem about emptiness is generated by feelings of being full of repressed memories. That has a lot of potential to add interest, in my mind.
May i suggest that you check your tense change between line 10 and line 11? There would be more impact if you stayed in the present tense and "its name rings true" etc. Having been a victim and having spent light years dealing with repressed memories, let me assure you that I am sympathetic to the theme. I think that perhaps my only cognitive stumble in the poem was in line 5... murderous parasite seems like a contradiction in terms. Would you consider "ravenous parasite"? That way, the destruction of the emptiness is inflicted on you, the vessel for the emptiness.