Muse

[Heartafire]

Hey Jamie,

L1, L2, and L8 could be removed and worked into a longer work where you expand on the notion 'book of longing', which I think could be interesting. Right now, though, you plop the image of a fish in the middle, and make those lines work too hard for their payoff. Possibly you're being bound and gagged by the narrow rhyming scheme and short lines?

Mikey.

I agree with NakeBear. Right now, it's hard for me as the reader to understand what you are trying to say. If you add more content that maybe connects your dying similes to the book of longing, I think you could have a powerful finish.

Hi Jamie,I get this. We are all tempted with a bit of thievery if it is irrestible. NakedBear has offered up some good suggestions. I'm not fond of the fish and would hope a more pleasing visual could be substituted. This line left me cold, "if I can breath I'm trying" mainly because I don't know why it is there or what it represents. All in all,
I love the topic and potential of this poem.
My best,
Heart