A Full Day Sonnet: Edits #1 and #2

[tectak]

Bold=things changed from the previous poem
Original:
The day awakens to a beaming sun very short of imagery. This is a blank statement and says nothing of any merit. Awakening dawn is very commonplace but you have the ability to say something new. "The day shrugs, sleepy, blinded by the sun"
As darkness fades and life begins to rise"That constant coward, Darkness, shuffles off and dies." ....or somesuch. Your poem. Imagery is all
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun I am very unsure over a state spawning. Words are being shoe-horned to fit. You are also repeating L1 and you cannot afford to do this in such a tight poem. You have only got 14 lines.
The stillness creates a thought where hope ever lies Yoda and clumsy. This line is heading for the end word from the start, so you sacrifice everything to get a pound-shop rhyme. The "ies" ending is one of the most rhyme-able; tries, lies,belies,despise,demise,relies, defies,denies, eyes,wise,spies,cries,flies, skies, even bloody pies! There must be a better line!

Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade moving on....Whoa! I have just recalled the last couplet! The day is long!!! Not in this sonnet! I am not abluted yet and its getting dark already!
The sky matures to red, which signals the end
A mind wonders why it didn't wade
It wishes to look for more, but can't reprehendSorry seth. Gobbledygook. You need to have a good night's sleep and rework this whole line....stanza...sonnet.

When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep Nope...only about a third. The world has been confirmed as being round. Have you noticed how all the rivers run in to the sea and yet the sea, it is not full? Clever guy, Ecclesiastes...not
At last, myriad souls have reached the end of their day
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep
However, their desire decides if they stayWe are sleep walking here...or day dreaming. I am lost in time. Any moment now I am expecting yesterday afternoon to turn up. It is now an unholy mess. Please do not give up when the going gets tough. This happens a lot. Make the poem do what you want it to do. Right now, it is writing you. Persuade it...threaten it....beat it....but sleep on it first.

The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn I hope to die in my sleep ...or no comment

Edit #1:
The day awakens to a beaming sun
As darkness fades and life begins to rise
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun
The still creates a thought where hope ever lies

Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade
The sky matures to red, which signals the end
A mind will wonder why it didn't wade
It looks for more, but cannot reprehend

When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep
At last, all souls have seen the end of day
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep
However, their desire decides if they stay

The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn

Edit #2:
The day awakens to a beaming sun
As darkness fades and life begins to rise
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun
The still creates a thought where hope ever lies The only thing my still got me was a fine and a suspended jail sentence...it could happen to you for crimes against the english language

Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade
The sky matures to red, which tells the end
A mind will wonder why it didn't wade
It looks for more, but cannot reprehend

When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep
At last, all souls have seen the end of day See original crit. It doesn't get better by repetition
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep This, seth, is nonsense. Read it out loud. What are you trying to get this line to say? When you KNOW...say it! You are being dominated by your own rhyme scheme. If L4 won't rhyme with L3, change L3. If that doesn't work , change L3 and L4 until it DOES work. Some think writing rhyme is nursery stuff. It is not. It is sometimes bloody difficult and MUST involve WORK.
However, their chooses decides if they stay Horrendous! What are "chooses"?

The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn
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Is there any suggestions for further improvement? I'm aware of a few places that aren't perfect on the meter (ie. the last line) but I cannot figure out how to change it without losing the essence that the part gives to the poem. Any criticisms would be appreciated, thanks.

Hi seth,
you have chosen the MOST cliched subject possible and so have found it almost impossible to say anything which has not been said before...but once that is said, and assuming I have stated the bleedin' obvious, it still leaves plenty to go at by way of crit. Some if the problems with the piece are, though, as a direct consequence of the worn out theme, cliche in cliche, and your attempts to appear poetic in a hostile environment.The most obvious overall criticism is in the totally chaotic time-shifts, Dawn night, dawn, morning ,evening, dusk. You need to think hard about progression and give some thought to the reader....after all, that's why you posted here. I have commented on the most obviously awkward areas...you may know yourself where problems lurk so I will apologise in advance if I insult your intelligence!
Best,
tectak