absolution

[Heartafire]

Would appreciate any and all suggestions (including binning) particularly with the last line, doesn't seem quite right.


Revision 1

I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.


In my mind I am Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.


Beneath the dark river
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.


The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun,
I loosen wet ribbons.


Original

I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.


In my mind I am the virgin Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.


Beneath the river dark
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.


The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons,
nothing more to be done.

[serge gurkski]

Would appreciate any and all suggestions (including binning) particularly with the last line, doesn't seem quite right.


I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.


In my mind I am the virgin Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.


Beneath the river dark
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.


The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons,
nothing more to be done.

pervert me reads the last line as . nothing more to come undone. (tic of course) ;-)

Busserl

[Todd]

Hi Holly,

This feels like an outdoor river baptism. There are some interesting word choices that carry some of the religious overtones. I like dense dress and that its to the ankles. It speaks of a modest holiness type of tradition. I'm thinking a dutch reformed or some such. If it were Amish it would be a bishop instead of a pastor. It has a non-secularized rustic feel to it. To further this idea you could put in something about the material of the dress.

I really like the feel of this one. It isn't a bin by any means. You have some interesting things going on here. I like the idea of tying back red which is the root of all evil. In the bible that would be the love of money. In this case I think of red like menstruation combined with the budding breasts it seems that that root is an awakening sexuality. In a way contextually the red could be pointing back to the apple and the fall. The break on red is cool and similar to what you do with the break on dark below. In that case, sin is being buried. Or the hope, that sinful impulses are being buried is in view. Baptism is a good symbol for that as historically the flesh, or this body of sin if you will is buried with Christ in baptism, and as you say here the rebirth is symbolized by coming out of the water.

I think everything in the first three strophes works well. I might cut the "my" before budding. Beyond that things look good. In the last four lines: I like lines 2 and 3. The first and fourth lines may be able to be combined in an image that lets us know the sin doesn't drown. Alternately just keeping these two lines alone at the end may get you there:

Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons.

Loosening of the ribbons to me says the cleansing didn't stick.

I really like how you approached the themes. This is the visual tension of Romans 7. I thought it was well done.

Best,

Todd

Would appreciate any and all suggestions (including binning) particularly with the last line, doesn't seem quite right.


I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.


In my mind I am the virgin Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.


Beneath the river dark
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.


The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons,
nothing more to be done.

[cidermaid]

Hi first off I would mention that this one grew on me with the second and third reading. It has a quiet essence to it rather like the flow of a powerful river, deceptively silent in its depth and width, it has a hidden strength.
I particularly liked the progression and outlook from instructed obedience, then imagined piety fighting against sin, the perceptions of the experience and finally the disillusionment. You have covered and handled the subject well I thought and it is certainly not something that should be binned.

Would appreciate any and all suggestions (including binning) particularly with the last line, doesn't seem quite right.


I have chosen a dense dress Good opening to introduce the topic of a special day. Liked the choice of dense to describe the fabric and weight of the dress.
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts Perhaps a comma after breasts. Good image. On second reading the use of budding to denote the growth stage is nicely tied in with the third stanza lines about dying and re-birth.
puts the pastor at ease. This is a clever use of phrasing. The subject of the pastor being anything other than spiritual is never mentioned but this line adds the tension and thought in there never-the-less.


In my mind I am the virgin Mary. I Like the idea and picture here but this line feels a little over wordy here. I'm not convinced about the need to mention the virgin element. Is the connection with the name Mary and religious connotations enough...a question more than a suggestion.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil. Really like this. Great 2 lines and image to convey her emotional perceptions.


Beneath the river dark ? a commar after river.
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth. Think this is a really solid stanza that pulls the whole poem together.


The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun. Nice alliteration. gives the last stanza a leg up onto the last transition lines.
I loosen wet ribbons,
nothing more to be done. I sort of agree with you about the last line. But don't think they are a disaster. Not sure my suggestion is an improvment...The deed has been done.

I did not find anything too off in this poem and as i said above it grew on me with each reading.

[tectak]

Would appreciate any and all suggestions (including binning) particularly with the last line, doesn't seem quite right.


I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts I force down my budding breasts, to put the pastor at his ease. This eliminates the possibility that the pastor is forcing down your budding breasts. It also returns the "ease" to where it is intended....in the eyes of the beholder!
puts the pastor at ease.


In my mind I am the virgin Mary. I know you mentioned this but I think you eliminated the virgin instead of the Mary! In my mind I am The Virgin. That seems more apposite to this agnostic. Your poem
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil. I am struggling here. You disabuse a cliche. Money, not red! The line is further confused by the syntax. Please read it out loud to clarify. You wrote :
" With ribbons, I tie back red, the root of all evil." Now, it is OK, red hair and all that is Irish....but the root of all evil? Where did that come from? Or more saliently, where is it going? Next stanza? Nope


Beneath the river dark comma after river or it is "...river dark water"
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth. ...but very nice; isolated, though.


The cleansing doesn’t come possibly semi colon here...but something is needed
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons, I loosen my wet ribbons, nothing else can be undone. Poignant.
nothing more to be done.

Last line. " Nothing more to be undone"
More later.
Best,
tectak

[Heartafire]

Hello Serge, Todd, Cidermaid, and tektac, thank you so much for the input, it is so very appreciated. Todd, your reference to Romans 7 most insightful. The underlying layer here is the debased pastor in whose hands this young girl has fallen victim, the gaurdian wolf. Your suggestion to end on the lines referenced is excellent. Cidermaid, thank you for the encouragement and fine gift of insight, so very helpful here. Tectak, your suggestion is excellent as well, I would love further comment from you on this. Thank you all, I plan to revise this based on your input.
Heart