03-13-2013, 12:46 PM
Bold=things changed from the previous poem
Original:
The day awakens to a beaming sun
As darkness fades and life begins to rise
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun
The stillness creates a thought where hope ever lies
Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade
The sky matures to red, which signals the end
A mind wonders why it didn't wade
It wishes to look for more, but can't reprehend
When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep
At last, myriad souls have reached the end of their day
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep
However, their desire decides if they stay
The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn
Edit #1:
The day awakens to a beaming sun
As darkness fades and life begins to rise
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun
The still creates a thought where hope ever lies
Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade
The sky matures to red, which signals the end
A mind will wonder why it didn't wade
It looks for more, but cannot reprehend
When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep
At last, all souls have seen the end of day
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep
However, their desire decides if they stay
The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn
Edit #2:
The day awakens to a beaming sun
As darkness fades and life begins to rise
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun
The still creates a thought where hope ever lies
Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade
The sky matures to red, which tells the end
A mind will wonder why it didn't wade
It looks for more, but cannot reprehend
When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep
At last, all souls have seen the end of day
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep
However, their chooses decides if they stay
The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Is there any suggestions for further improvement? I'm aware of a few places that aren't perfect on the meter (ie. the last line) but I cannot figure out how to change it without losing the essence that the part gives to the poem. Any criticisms would be appreciated, thanks.
Original:
The day awakens to a beaming sun
As darkness fades and life begins to rise
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun
The stillness creates a thought where hope ever lies
Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade
The sky matures to red, which signals the end
A mind wonders why it didn't wade
It wishes to look for more, but can't reprehend
When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep
At last, myriad souls have reached the end of their day
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep
However, their desire decides if they stay
The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn
Edit #1:
The day awakens to a beaming sun
As darkness fades and life begins to rise
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun
The still creates a thought where hope ever lies
Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade
The sky matures to red, which signals the end
A mind will wonder why it didn't wade
It looks for more, but cannot reprehend
When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep
At last, all souls have seen the end of day
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep
However, their desire decides if they stay
The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn
Edit #2:
The day awakens to a beaming sun
As darkness fades and life begins to rise
A state of peace will spawn; dawn has begun
The still creates a thought where hope ever lies
Then day becomes the dusk; soon light will fade
The sky matures to red, which tells the end
A mind will wonder why it didn't wade
It looks for more, but cannot reprehend
When dusk transforms to night, the world will sleep
At last, all souls have seen the end of day
The twilight shall immerse them in their keep
However, their chooses decides if they stay
The day is long, and soon it will be gone
Yet, the journey never ends; night closes with dawn
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Is there any suggestions for further improvement? I'm aware of a few places that aren't perfect on the meter (ie. the last line) but I cannot figure out how to change it without losing the essence that the part gives to the poem. Any criticisms would be appreciated, thanks.