The Nature of Memory

[Bloggsworth]

Hi Bloggsworth,

I liked this edit quite a bit. Great title! Look not to upset everything, but I wondered if you might consider something. If it doesn't work than ignore it. The poem you have is perfectly serviceable as it is. Here was my thought. Your strongest phrase in my opinion is between the rhododendrons and the rest of my life. Truly lovely. I think the idea of odd connections sparking memory is great. I think leading with the rhododendrons might be better.

Somewhere between the rhododendrons
near your father’s coal-shed,
You kissed me once, Heather Denton.
Since which time I have been confused
as to your intention,
(The rest as you have it. Then add at the end though this may be too much repetition and your current final line may need to be slightly tweaked)
somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life.

I'm a proponent of maximizing the effect of a poem's best lines.

Just thoughts, ignore them if they're crazy.

Best,

Todd

You kissed me once, Heather Denton;
near your father’s coal-shed,
somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life; since which time
I have been confused as to your intention.
You may think it odd that,
some sixty years later, I remember -
I didn’t think I had, but today
I saw a rhododendron of exactly the same shade.

Is that any better?

Ouch. I think I'll leave it as it is. Without her having kissed me in the first place there would be no poem, so the kiss has to open the poem.