03-12-2013, 06:14 PM
(03-12-2013, 01:01 PM)Todd Wrote: Heat ripples the night, and the moon -- Maybe it's because I'm not a very worldly person and never been out of Singapore before, but 'heat ripples the night' is quite a weird image. I don't really get how it's possible, and it feels kind of surreal. Maybe that's what you're going for, but it's kind of iffy in my opinion.
is blown from her lips in blue smoke, -- Nice imagery here though.
in the shed blood of dreams, and a crone's memory -- Here too.
of forgotten days of beauty spent -- I think this line can be better phrased. 'A crone's memory of forgotten days...' is kind of an oxymoron. Also, this may be just me, but I don't really like having multiple 'of's in a line/sentence. In my opinion it makes the line sound a little... artificial.
gazing upon still water.
Also, the enjambment from line 1 feels a little weak. I'd cut the line off at 'is blown' instead. Just personal opinion.
A very enjoyable read though, so thanks for that, and I hope I'm of help! =)
Back!