(03-02-2013, 05:40 AM)saeity Wrote: Hi, yes absolutely fine with editing move as necessary, could i still do my critique in novice though?yes, of course you can.
hi saeity
seems i got here late. that said i do support the remarks about line breaks and excessive cliche. there also seems to be some inecessary wordage. i pointed out some but there is more.
the thing is, you have a good base to build the poem on. great effort.
(03-01-2013, 11:35 PM)saeity Wrote:
Sensing one word lines have to be special
she was merely a porn is 'a' needed?
for the knight,
bordering
on the is 'on' needed? would move 'the perverse' up to 'bordering' add something to the poem?
perverse of his needs
she may have succumbed
had her logic
proved statistically not sure why, but i like this line.
awry.
He had the king
after all, ensconcing would another word be more suitable?
to make her queen
disappear.
She’d seen many others
lose their castle, watch their horses
fall.
Aged and armed
with such an inscribable charm,
still, he was no match
for her intrepid
nature, having never played
the game of life
before, believing there’s no sin
in all or nothing,
losing was never
going to be an objective
however
well observed.
She danced
like a negative
with the Devil and his disciples-
and thank GOD,
she won…