The Game Was Set, But No Match (1st revision)




Sensing, she was merely porn 
for the knight,
bordering on the perversity of his needs;
she may have succumbed,
had her logic proved statistically  
awry.

He had the king
after all, ensconcing fear 
to make her queen disappear.
She’d seen many others lose their castles, 
and watched their horses fall. Aged

and armed
to scribe and enable charm,
still; he was no match for her intrepid
nature. Having never played the game before,
believing there’s no sin
in all or nothing. Losing,
was never going to be an objective
however well observed.

She danced
like a negative
with the Devil and his disciples-
and thank GOD,
she won.


Original:

Sensing
she was merely a porn
for the knight,
bordering
on the
perverse of his needs
she may have succumbed
had her logic
proved statistically
awry.

He had the king
after all, ensconcing
to make her queen
disappear.
She’d seen many others
lose their castle, watch their horses
fall.

Aged and armed
with such an inscribable charm,
still, he was no match
for her intrepid
nature, having never played
the game of life
before, believing there’s no sin
in all or nothing,
losing was never
going to be an objective
however
well observed.

She danced
like a negative
with the Devil and his disciples-
and thank GOD,
she won…

Using "perverse" instead of 'perversity' seems fine to me, especially since you used "porn" instead of 'pawn'. It works in a "perverse" way, in a good way, in the game of "life" with its arbitrary Chess rules, as opposed to real life where nothing 'human beings' say or do is literally perverse. After "inscribable", "intrepid" falls a bit as a word, but makes up for it with its meaning. I thought only Hart Crane used the word 'ensconcing'.
But all these things I've said work positively for this poem. And, though it's posted in Novice, it seems good enough to be in Mild or Serious.

Seconding Rowen's suggestion -- this is the kind of poem that will stand up well to scrutiny and if you're ok with editing suggestions, I'd love to have it moved to Serious Critique.

(03-02-2013, 04:44 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Seconding Rowen's suggestion -- this is the kind of poem that will stand up well to scrutiny and if you're ok with editing suggestions, I'd love to have it moved to Serious Critique.

I second that seconding.....as you know
Best,
tectak

Hi, yes absolutely fine with editing move as necessary, could i still do my critique in novice though?

I will just quickly mention line breaks -- this is a stylistic choice and tends to be something of a matter of personal preference, but I really think this poem would be better served with longer lines. If you feel you must keep them short, try to remember that for a reader, the most important words are the first and last of any line -- so each break should reflect that. What words do you want the reader to dwell on? Where do you want your breaks to lead them? (It's also a matter of practise, so try not to feel overwhelmed, I only mention it because it's a bit of an obsession of mine )

(03-01-2013, 11:35 PM)saeity Wrote:  Sensing
she was merely a porn
for the knight,
bordering
on the
perverse of his needs
she may have succumbed
had her logic
proved statistically
awry. -- I am such a sucker for puns, and these work really well. We have a good idea of what's to come from the tone, but not so much that the whole story is given away.

He had the king
after all, ensconcing -- I like the word, but you kind of need to be esconcing something, one doesn't just esconce
to make her queen
disappear.
She’d seen many others
lose their castle, watch their horses -- there is a problem with either the tenses or the subject, depending on what you mean here. Had she watched their horses fall? (in which case that needs to be past tense). Or had she seen others lose their castle(s) AND watch their horses fall?
fall.

Aged and armed
with such an inscribable charm,
still, he was no match
for her intrepid
nature, having never played
the game of life -- this is bordering on cliche and I don't think you need to explicitly state it -- just "this game" would do, as the "life" part is implied
before, believing there’s no sin
in all or nothing,
losing was never -- this probably should be a new sentence, not following a comma -- if you don't want a full stop on the preceding line (and it could be disruptive to the flow) then try a semi-colon. Yes, we pick at nits that small! Punctuation can make quite a difference.
going to be an objective
however
well observed.

She danced
like a negative
with the Devil and his disciples-
and thank GOD, -- I'm not sure that the caps work at all, but this is a great close.
she won… -- you could lose the ellipsis -- this is a final statement

(03-01-2013, 11:35 PM)saeity Wrote:  


Sensingline breaks already covered by others.I do not know where this habitual perversity began but I wish it would stop. Line breaks are only useful when they convey additional meaning or are a structural part of the poems established form.
she was merely a porn No. You did not mean "porn" You meant "pawn". I know it,you know it and I know you know it...in spite of what others may read in to it
for the knight,
bordering
on the
perverse of his needsperversion or,at a push, perversity. Same comment as pawn.
she may have succumbed
had her logic
proved statistically
awry. This is good stuff. Punctuation would make it great stuff

He had the king
after all, ensconcingLeanne has covered this to the extent that she corrects the usage of the word "esconcing".....but it is the wrong word and I do not know what you are trying to say. Help.
to make her queen
disappear.
She’d seen many others
lose their castle, watch their horses
fall.

Aged and armed
with such an inscribable charm,Indescribable? Be careful of these peculiar word choices. Too many of them makes the reader lose faith in your competancy....and that would be a pity because you are playing chess and writing poetry....both are at risk, though I am a crap chess player and cannot judge in that area. Some may say I am a crap poet...but I hide it well. So should you
still, he was no match
for her intrepid
nature, having never played
the game of life
before, believing there’s no sin
in all or nothing,
losing was never
going to be an objective
however
well observed.

She danced
like a negative
with the Devil and his disciples-
and thank GOD,
she won… a good, if unexpected end. You can turn a phrase for sure.

OK. Look, it is a cliche in a cliche in a cliche...love (or war) is like chess, is like poetry BUT you made a really good stab at this. Now, what else can you write...I look forward to whatever it is....but not Mah Jong, please.
Best,
tectak

Hope you do not mind me addressing you both in one post.

Hi Leanne, Ensconcing, you're right, looking back i liked the word but think it's superfluous to the piece. Thanks for picking up on the tense, amazing what you can miss

Hi Tectak, line breaks are a terrible habit of mine and i sometimes use them instead of proper punctuation, with guidance i know i can stop.
The word porn was deliberate i did mean it for it's sexual connotations, this was a game in which N was made to play. i shall address my line breaks with proper punctuation, as for crap poetry, one can only strive to get better


Thankyou both for time and patience

saeity.

(03-02-2013, 05:40 AM)saeity Wrote:  Hi, yes absolutely fine with editing move as necessary, could i still do my critique in novice though?

yes, of course you can.

---

hi saeity
seems i got here late. that said i do support the remarks about line breaks and excessive cliche. there also seems to be some inecessary wordage. i pointed out some but there is more.

the thing is, you have a good base to build the poem on. great effort.

(03-01-2013, 11:35 PM)saeity Wrote:  


Sensing one word lines have to be special
she was merely a porn is 'a' needed?
for the knight,
bordering
on the is 'on' needed? would move 'the perverse' up to 'bordering' add something to the poem?
perverse of his needs
she may have succumbed
had her logic
proved statistically not sure why, but i like this line.
awry.

He had the king
after all, ensconcing would another word be more suitable?
to make her queen
disappear.
She’d seen many others
lose their castle, watch their horses
fall.

Aged and armed
with such an inscribable charm,
still, he was no match
for her intrepid
nature, having never played
the game of life
before, believing there’s no sin
in all or nothing,
losing was never
going to be an objective
however
well observed.

She danced
like a negative
with the Devil and his disciples-
and thank GOD,
she won…

I second the seconders (including Tom ,-)). I am with Leanne on line breaks and longer lines absolutely.
I am not too fond of the title because I think the poem is much better than the title. Just me.
Enjoyed the read a lot.

Hi Billy, thankyou too for some valuable feedback, i like your changes and shall incorporate them when i come to revision

Serge- i shall get my thinking cap on- thankyou

saeity.

what I meant is: the title is catchy but not new. (that is a marketing issue). It is the first thing I as a reader see.

Thanks for all your feedback gratefully received, editing is sooo difficult!

saeity.

(03-13-2013, 06:59 AM)saeity Wrote:  Thanks for all your feedback gratefully received, editing is sooo difficult!

saeity.

;-) yes, it is.
I like your revision.

"She’d seen many others lose their castles,
and watched their horses fall. Aged

and armed
to scribe and enable charm,
still; he was no match for her intrepid
nature. Having never played the game before,
believing there’s no sin
in all or nothing. Losing,
was never going to be an objective
however well observed."

One point: the enjabment bridging is unusual but might work. I'll leave it to our fellow poets to decide (and finally to you of course). It is ok with me.
One of those poems I would like to be recited.

cheers

serge

(03-13-2013, 07:25 AM)serge gurkski Wrote:  

(03-13-2013, 06:59 AM)saeity Wrote:  Thanks for all your feedback gratefully received, editing is sooo difficult!

saeity.

;-) yes, it is.
I like your revision.

"She’d seen many others lose their castles,
and watched their horses fall. Aged

and armed
to scribe and enable charm,
still; he was no match for her intrepid
nature. Having never played the game before,
believing there’s no sin
in all or nothing. Losing,
was never going to be an objective
however well observed."

One point: the enjabment bridging is unusual but might work. I'll leave it to our fellow poets to decide (and finally to you of course). It is ok with me.
One of those poems I would like to be recited.

cheers

serge

Thanks serge, I'm not sure on that part either, interesting to know what others think

saeity.