02-22-2013, 04:50 AM
(02-16-2013, 05:28 AM)jormungandr Wrote: Frayed by fingersHi jormun,
falls, fumbles. These
pages yearn to leave
unbounded, quick as leaves
Weathered by sweat
as mountains by snow.
Stand erect, waiting
still, for him.
Emanating odors
of shriveled bones,
leaving memories
entwined in ink.
I know this has had its statutory mauling and I am late in the feeding frenzy. This is how I see this piece.
Frayed by fingers falls, fumbles. These pages yearn to leave unbounded, quick as leaves weathered by sweat as mountains by snow. Stand erect, waiting still, for him. Emanating odors of shriveled bones, leaving memories entwined in ink.
OK. That is how it reads with your punctuation in place. Frankly, it is not too bad. I can get word-sense out of it....I am not sure about meaning, though. The first sentence is missing bits or if it isn't it should be because it is short on clarity...and I have no idea why someone would WANT to write this well, about this subject, in this forum, on this site whilst giving in to obscurity.
Terse verse is becoming very popular as the effort of writing a sustainable piece of poetry begins to fade out of fashion. This is a pity. Your piece is so truncated that it seems to be but one tiny thought expressed in the minimum number of words. Pad it out and give it air. I very much enjoyed the imagery and the swishy, sliding metaphors....but what is it saying? We can guess...but then I get the same inadequate feeling when reading on the box about the side effects of hypertension pills.I know I may get something if I swallow them....but surely, and hopefully, not everything. Mostly, I hope they will do me some good. Not knowing is no longer the fun it used to be...
Best,
tectak

