Frayed by fingers
falls, fumbles. These
pages yearn to leave
unbounded, quick as leaves

Weathered by sweat
as mountains by snow.
Stand erect, waiting
still, for him.

Emanating odors
of shriveled bones,
leaving memories
entwined in ink.

hi jormungandre

at present i get the used book them being used, that they stand erect on the shelf waiting to be read. the last stanza, the smell of old books, other than that or if not that it's a sex poem. for me, it's a little too ambiguous. the text is well write but i sruggle with their intent.

great to see you posting poetry and giving feedback

(02-16-2013, 05:28 AM)jormungandr Wrote:  Frayed by fingers
falls, fumbles. These
pages yearn to leave
unbounded, quick as leaves leaves/leaves not sure, are they're too much alike to work

Weathered by sweat
as mountains by snow.
Stand erect, waiting
still, for him.

Emanating odors
of shriveled bones,
leaving memories
entwined in ink.

Interesting billy. I was trying to portray the idea of books holding the smells of people past -- people who have read the books before. I'll try and work on that last stanza. As for the leave/leaves thing, I was going for a little wordplay but I guess that did not work as well as I expected. I'll hopefully have an edit up soon. Thanks again.

well i think you it did work,

i got the whole book thing, them being used tec so the poem is pretty much working. all i think you need do is a small edit when my my mind sees the word erect ....it's probably just me

the first stanza gave me most of the info, the title with salts (stains on pages) gave me some help as well.
the last stanza also gave me the book idea and built on the first stanza. i think the edit if any could help the 2nd stanza.
i'm not sure the simile is doing a good enough job.

(02-16-2013, 05:28 AM)jormungandr Wrote:  Frayed by fingers
falls, fumbles. These
pages yearn to leave
unbounded, quick as leaves

Weathered by sweat
as mountains by snow.
Stand erect, waiting
still, for him.

Emanating odors
of shriveled bones,
leaving memories
entwined in ink.

Hi jormun,
I know this has had its statutory mauling and I am late in the feeding frenzy. This is how I see this piece.

Frayed by fingers falls, fumbles. These pages yearn to leave unbounded, quick as leaves weathered by sweat as mountains by snow. Stand erect, waiting still, for him. Emanating odors of shriveled bones, leaving memories entwined in ink.

OK. That is how it reads with your punctuation in place. Frankly, it is not too bad. I can get word-sense out of it....I am not sure about meaning, though. The first sentence is missing bits or if it isn't it should be because it is short on clarity...and I have no idea why someone would WANT to write this well, about this subject, in this forum, on this site whilst giving in to obscurity.
Terse verse is becoming very popular as the effort of writing a sustainable piece of poetry begins to fade out of fashion. This is a pity. Your piece is so truncated that it seems to be but one tiny thought expressed in the minimum number of words. Pad it out and give it air. I very much enjoyed the imagery and the swishy, sliding metaphors....but what is it saying? We can guess...but then I get the same inadequate feeling when reading on the box about the side effects of hypertension pills.I know I may get something if I swallow them....but surely, and hopefully, not everything. Mostly, I hope they will do me some good. Not knowing is no longer the fun it used to be...
Best,
tectak

Hi tectak,

Thank you for the comments. I appreciated them very much. My style as of late has veered towards what some have called "postmodern." You're right -- it is very minimalistic and austere, but that's also what I was aiming for, expressing a picture clearly, precisely, each word there because it is necessary. Perhaps this is not the best way to write, but I have found that I tend to be too verbose when I try to give my poetry room to breathe. My next poem will hopefully be less minimalistic, but I don't think deserving of the serious critique forum.

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