hi squi.
after reading it, i think you need to cut away a fair bit of excess. leave a bit but not too much ambiguity, let the title do the work.
Slowly falling, ever so gently melting into an abyss
Surrounded by so many, why am I so painfully alone
Robbed from even the smallest comfort of a Mother's kiss
I can still feel their words bruising me to the bone
it does mess with the end rhyme but gives an idea.
A gentle fall, entering the abyss;
I'm surrounded, yet painfully alone
Robbed from the comfort of a Mother's kiss
I feel their words bruising me to the bone
the above uses the title and would it probably be better with a title change of something similar. abysmal perhaps.
if you think it works try and do something similar with the rest of poem.
after reading it, i think you need to cut away a fair bit of excess. leave a bit but not too much ambiguity, let the title do the work.
Slowly falling, ever so gently melting into an abyss
Surrounded by so many, why am I so painfully alone
Robbed from even the smallest comfort of a Mother's kiss
I can still feel their words bruising me to the bone
it does mess with the end rhyme but gives an idea.
A gentle fall, entering the abyss;
I'm surrounded, yet painfully alone
Robbed from the comfort of a Mother's kiss
I feel their words bruising me to the bone
the above uses the title and would it probably be better with a title change of something similar. abysmal perhaps.
if you think it works try and do something similar with the rest of poem.