What?

[Wjames]

Hi Wjames
You have some great lines here, just needs tightening up a little I would merge the themes of S7 and S8 and come up with something with less cliche. I like the way you look at the basics of life, poetry being part of that, and ask what not why Hope this helps in some way TOMH

After a couple of edits:

I sing my dance; you dance your song.[b]Not sure this does anything for the poem
Together tethered to existence I like this,I would start with this line
we act upon our soul‘s insistence
to dare and dream to find…? What exactly? This works as three lines and I'm in the frame

Fuck the morning; like this
I sigh as I step into the shower.
Soon to be discarded dreams tug at my sub-conscious. do you need, soon to be
Another broken plot-line is lost, like this
the wildness of a night’s rest washed away alongside it‘s sweat. could be, wild sweat of a nights rest washed

Destined to die,
we spend our days as slaves do you need we ?
so we can spend our nights upon the couch. do you need so we can

Our individual everything’s
are infinite and insignificant;
a blade of grass that looms large above an ant. great line

Fuck work,
I sigh once more.
The subway’s dim, flittering lights
set the scene for my inner city journey. good image
The golden age of capitalism was beat,
Kerouac’s dying dream floods the sinking streets.
While seven billion poets fill the air with words now spoken,
for only the ten trillionth time. these last two lines don't work for me

An accountant makes an honest buck
and he’ll find a girl if he’s on his luck.
But if churning numbers is really living,
What is dying? cliche in this stanza cheapens what youve achieved so far

Fuck another lonely night,
I sigh again.
I sip my beer and smile,
at least there is comfort in nothing.

A long campaign with no reward;
no fat pay cheque, or love restored.
Life’s mundane nature now a perfect fit,
for those of us content to quit.
The tired soldier smiles as the bullet hits.
Has he found what he was looking for? I would end on hits

Thanks, you have some good suggestions. The I sing my dance, you dance your song line didnt really fit, and that accountant stanza was weak. I edited it again, hopefully its an improvement. Although Im not entirely sure I like ending it with hits.