In Defense of the Cold Ones

[cotidiano]

Shameless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing.

A stark contrast the Cold Ones are –
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our loving Garden birth;
Denying our indelible double helixes.

[They are trapped where ravenous lions roam/Ravenous lions assault the cold-blooded. → something to this effect…]

This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors.

They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.

---

Main Concerns
1. Title? (would like to keep “the Cold Ones” a part of it though)
2. Third stanza phrasing (one liner)
3. Is the meaning of the poem clear? (attempting to strongly imply things without directly stating)
4. Punctuation (dash, semi-colons everywhere...)

[rowens]

Ruthless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
They lick and suck with longing.

After this stanza the "They" means someone else:


The Cold Ones refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our noble Garden birth,
Denying our indelible double helixes.
They are trapped where hungry lions roam.

Starting "The Cold Ones..."; I guess that makes the distinction clear enough. But you use "our" now. And that's just "our", humans in general, I know. But the first stanza could cause a slight confusion because of the "They" up there. Just something to consider.


This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yields no flavor;

"Tasting lips yield".

Delicious games produce no favors.

They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.

So they do finger each other?
Or does it mean: they only touch each other on the outside?

It's a pretty decent poem. Not bad.

[cotidiano]

Ruthless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
They lick and suck with longing.

After this stanza the "They" means someone else:


The Cold Ones refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our noble Garden birth,
Denying our indelible double helixes.
They are trapped where hungry lions roam.

Starting "The Cold Ones..."; I guess that makes the distinction clear enough. But you use "our" now. And that's just "our", humans in general, I know. But the first stanza could cause a slight confusion because of the "They" up there. Just something to consider.


This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yields no flavor;

"Tasting lips yield".

Delicious games produce no favors.

They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.

So they do finger each other?
Or does it mean: they only touch each other on the outside?

It's a pretty decent poem. Not bad.

Thank you so much for your feedback! I agree with your suggestions. I clarified the "they" in the first stanza and added an "in contrast" opening to the second stanza as well. I hope that makes the meaning a little clearer.

As for the line "Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes" I wanted to convey the idea of innocent touching, as fingering literally means "touching with the fingers." Throughout the poem, I attempt to use very sexualized words (like "fingering") and de-sexualize them. I hope that makes sense.

[Pete Ak]

I must admit I had to read your comment above before the penny dropped! I see it as an excellent piece now I understand it but was confused before your explanation.If you want this piece to be appreciated without a preamble you may want to consider this, perhaps start with a look at the title.

Ruthless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing.
Words such as 'ruthless' and 'feasting' guided me toward a poem in the horror genre.

What a stark contrast the Cold Ones are,
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our noble Garden birth,
Denying our indelible double helixes.
I think I'd prefer the 1st line of this stanza without "What"

They are trapped where hungry lions roam.
Not sure this does what you want it to do, it confused me.

This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors.
The end of this stanza feels forced.

They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.
Not sure this final stanza does enough to merit the title, ie. defend the 'Cold Ones' which leads to other questions.
Do they need defending? - Maybe their stance does, if you see what I mean.
Is there anything to be gained from defending them?
Do they merit defending?
I might be encouraging you to approach the topic from a different perspective which could change the piece significantly, but your poetic voice is strong so it could prove a constructive exercise.

[brandontoh]

Ruthless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing. -- This is a violent stanza. The imagery works well and it sets the mood for the rest of the poem.

What a stark contrast the Cold Ones are,
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our noble Garden birth,
Denying our indelible double helixes. -- I get what you're trying to say here, but I think you can make the contrast stronger and more powerful. For example, a line like "Defying the gravity of carnal attraction" makes the refusal feel stronger. Unless of course this sort of flippant and casual feel is what you're going for. Word choice is the name of the game here. The last 2 lines especially. 'Noble' is not the word I'd use, but it works. Hope you get what I'm getting at here.

They are trapped where hungry lions roam. -- Imagery is kind of weak here. Instead of just saying 'they are trapped' try to reword it so it's more powerful.

This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors. -- The weakest stanza in the poem. The last 2 lines are fine, but the first 2 doesn't portray the idea of lack of hunger well. I'd suggest trying to include the concept of time and 'immortality' to give the stanza a bit more impact.

They sleep in self-inflicted starvation, -- A rephrasing here makes the line better in my opinion. For example, "The sleep starving, by choice". Of course it works as it stands, so maybe it's just me.
Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes, -- I feel that this line is too long. I think 'one another' and 'only' can be removed. You can also opt for a reword for the whole line.
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony. -- Nice closing lines. End the poem well.

Overall I like the poem. Nice imageries, but I feel that the message can be a bit abstract, and the contrast can be stronger. Hope I'm of help. =)

[cotidiano]

I must admit I had to read your comment above before the penny dropped! I see it as an excellent piece now I understand it but was confused before your explanation.If you want this piece to be appreciated without a preamble you may want to consider this, perhaps start with a look at the title.

Ruthless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing.
Words such as 'ruthless' and 'feasting' guided me toward a poem in the horror genre.

What a stark contrast the Cold Ones are,
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our noble Garden birth,
Denying our indelible double helixes.
I think I'd prefer the 1st line of this stanza without "What"

They are trapped where hungry lions roam.
Not sure this does what you want it to do, it confused me.

This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors.
The end of this stanza feels forced.

They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.
Not sure this final stanza does enough to merit the title, ie. defend the 'Cold Ones' which leads to other questions.
Do they need defending? - Maybe their stance does, if you see what I mean.
Is there anything to be gained from defending them?
Do they merit defending?
I might be encouraging you to approach the topic from a different perspective which could change the piece significantly, but your poetic voice is strong so it could prove a constructive exercise.

I really appreciate your feedback! I agree that the title may need to be renamed, but I will have to think about it for awhile; I'm still a little too attached to my current title.

Although I think ruthless is a stronger word, "shameless" may better demonstrate my meaning. Let me know what you think of this change.I agree with your other suggestions, although I will probably keep the stanza that seems forced. I think it sounds that way because it is the only line that rhymes. Thanks again for your advice.

[popeye]

Hello cotidiano, the imagery here is really strong, but, having said that, I would probably only keep the first, second and last stanza as I feel it would make it a tighter poem and give it more impact. Only my opinion though, I enjoyed the poem very much, great stuff! Cheers.

[cotidiano]

Ruthless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing. -- This is a violent stanza. The imagery works well and it sets the mood for the rest of the poem.

What a stark contrast the Cold Ones are,
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our noble Garden birth,
Denying our indelible double helixes. -- I get what you're trying to say here, but I think you can make the contrast stronger and more powerful. For example, a line like "Defying the gravity of carnal attraction" makes the refusal feel stronger. Unless of course this sort of flippant and casual feel is what you're going for. Word choice is the name of the game here. The last 2 lines especially. 'Noble' is not the word I'd use, but it works. Hope you get what I'm getting at here.

They are trapped where hungry lions roam. -- Imagery is kind of weak here. Instead of just saying 'they are trapped' try to reword it so it's more powerful.

This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors. -- The weakest stanza in the poem. The last 2 lines are fine, but the first 2 doesn't portray the idea of lack of hunger well. I'd suggest trying to include the concept of time and 'immortality' to give the stanza a bit more impact.

They sleep in self-inflicted starvation, -- A rephrasing here makes the line better in my opinion. For example, "The sleep starving, by choice". Of course it works as it stands, so maybe it's just me.
Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes, -- I feel that this line is too long. I think 'one another' and 'only' can be removed. You can also opt for a reword for the whole line.
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony. -- Nice closing lines. End the poem well.

Overall I like the poem. Nice imageries, but I feel that the message can be a bit abstract, and the contrast can be stronger. Hope I'm of help. =)

Thank you for your thoughtful feedback! As I told the previous commenter, I changed "ruthless" to "shameless" because it better demonstrates my meaning; however, I'm worried that it might have a less forceful impact.

The fruit of carnal knowledge line refers to the fruit of knowledge in the Garden of Eden (which is referred to in the next line). I hope that makes sense.

I agree that "noble" does not fit very well. I changed it to "loving" for now, but I'm still not sure about that one. I really want to keep the middle one-line stanza, so I'll have to do a lot of construction on that line.

Hmmm...it seems that readers think this poem is about vampires, which makes a lot of sense considering what the term "Cold Ones" implies. Unfortunately, that's not my intended meaning (as the Cold Ones are supposed to be almost the opposite of vampires) so perhaps I'll have to change that phrasing. >_<

I suppose my poem is supposed to be somewhat like a riddle...I don't want to give away the meaning yet because I want to see how readers interpret it without explanation. I will say that the Cold Ones refer to "cold-blooded" and the "animals/lions" in the poem are "hot-blooded." I definitely need to find a way to make this more clear...Suggestions are very much welcomed.

[brandontoh]

Yeah I got what you mean by fruit of carnal knowledge. However, with relation to the previous stanza, the important image that you're trying to get across, at least in my opinion, is not the knowledge portion. It should be the refusal of it that takes the focal point.

[Pete Ak]

Both opening stanzas are improved in my opinion. For what it's worth I think 'shameless' is more appropriate and more dramatic - you are describing a state of being without shame not without mercy. Given time you'll maybe be able to distance yourself from the title which (I apologise for saying) doesn't help the poem at all.

[Hidrolic]

Shameless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing.

A stark contrast the Cold Ones are –
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our loving Garden birth;
Denying our indelible double helixes.

[They are trapped where ravenous lions roam/Ravenous lions assault the cold-blooded. → something to this effect…]

This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors.

They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.

---

Main Concerns
1. Title? (would like to keep “the Cold Ones” a part of it though)
2. Third stanza phrasing (one liner)
3. Is the meaning of the poem clear? (attempting to strongly imply things without directly stating)
4. Punctuation (dash, semi-colons everywhere...)

Love it

[Leanne]

Love it

Please refer to Critique Guidelines, the rules of the Serious Critique forum and numerous other threads detailing why "love it" is not an acceptable comment in this forum/ admin