Whole

[rowens]

I think the problem is that the rhymes sound too just stuck on. That they take away from more lovely or at least interesting things that you could be saying. The flow of the poetry stops and starts with the end rhymes, and so it feels choppy and as if more attention is paid to forcing rhymes than saying something. An unbalance. You sound like you have a lot of interesting things to say, and that's not able to come through here as effectively as it could.

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But all that said: it's not bad. I think you can do more with it. And I'm trying to kick my mind into a better mood, so I can say something more constructive about it...