01-13-2013, 05:34 AM
Benny, it's not always syllables that drive rhythm/ meter. In English, we put stresses on different parts of words and it's these stresses that make the beat. Also, some syllables are longer than others by just a fraction, but that fraction can make a difference. "serve", "our" and "food" are all slightly longer sounds. Ideally I'd suggest cutting a syllable from the first line in that couplet as well, since you have a comma that gives you a slight pause, but I don't have an immediate suggestion and "you've got" is a phrase I can meld together into one beat reasonably well as they're both fairly quick words. Similarly, "mmm mmm" is quite drawn out and adding "yes" to the next line skips it a bit to catch up.
It could be worse