01-12-2013, 03:57 PM
There's been stranger inspiration for poems, but that's pretty weird 
Love the "It's! All! Edible!" line, that's exactly how the people on those adverts talk.
I think the first line of the second couplet is a little out of place -- why would the word "vile" even come up? You might like to consider "it's quite a place, so stop a while" or something along those lines.
The change in tone in the fourth couplet is very well done. Now we get to the dark and sinister. For the sake of rhythm you might like to lose "all", just have "we serve our food..."
Also for rhythm, perhaps add "yes" to L10 -- Yes, that's right, I like it pasty!
The closing couplet has just the right amount of irony. Well done!
Love the "It's! All! Edible!" line, that's exactly how the people on those adverts talk.
I think the first line of the second couplet is a little out of place -- why would the word "vile" even come up? You might like to consider "it's quite a place, so stop a while" or something along those lines.
The change in tone in the fourth couplet is very well done. Now we get to the dark and sinister. For the sake of rhythm you might like to lose "all", just have "we serve our food..."
Also for rhythm, perhaps add "yes" to L10 -- Yes, that's right, I like it pasty!
The closing couplet has just the right amount of irony. Well done!
It could be worse