01-11-2013, 04:17 AM
light sears through my cornea,
into my brain
feels the same
as when it was pushed
out of my mother’s vagina
and into a yellow room
If you take out all the words following "light" up to "brain" we have remaining: 'light feels the same as when it was pushed..." etc., is this meaningful? I would guess that you're aiming to say something about how how you feel but this doesn't communicate much. The word choice however is poetic.
they say it’s calming
but I find nothing whimsical about shit
I like the link you've created between whimsy and calmness - interesting!
in mold cracks and
ammonia stained tiles
i want to light a cigarette
but Jenkins told me it’s bad
he put pictures on his tele box
pictures of black lungs and
tubed throats.
Not sure you need 'picture' twice, I'd look for options.
we all write when we’re weak
because there’s nothing to talk about
when your head’s in the sink
[/quote]
An impressive poem, neatly tied up in the last stanza
into my brain
feels the same
as when it was pushed
out of my mother’s vagina
and into a yellow room
If you take out all the words following "light" up to "brain" we have remaining: 'light feels the same as when it was pushed..." etc., is this meaningful? I would guess that you're aiming to say something about how how you feel but this doesn't communicate much. The word choice however is poetic.
they say it’s calming
but I find nothing whimsical about shit
I like the link you've created between whimsy and calmness - interesting!
in mold cracks and
ammonia stained tiles
i want to light a cigarette
but Jenkins told me it’s bad
he put pictures on his tele box
pictures of black lungs and
tubed throats.
Not sure you need 'picture' twice, I'd look for options.
we all write when we’re weak
because there’s nothing to talk about
when your head’s in the sink
[/quote]
An impressive poem, neatly tied up in the last stanza