Portrait

[Leanne]

She smothers her silence with art.
Like coffee, the taste at first bitter
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

Her I is the ex of Descartes
crossed plainly, for though it may split her
she smothers her silence with art.

I am does not sum up the part
she plays, as the one who’d admit her
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

Exactly too static to start,
her whole is the soul of the quitter:
she smothers her silence with art.

She moves through the world a la carte
and smorgasbord chaos, to fit her,
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

Don’t plot her, she’s not on your chart
and sensible men will permit her
to smother her silence, for art
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

[billy]

i think therefore she is
nice villanelle, and it works really well because the form is spot on. the 2nd refrain is excellent. a suggestion more than putting anything right, cos there's nowt wrong; the meter change on each 2nd line works a treat with the extra half foot, ( is it a spondee at the beginning and a trochee at the end?) i never saw any problem using her more than once in the b rhyme. sorry if i got the spondee thing wrong

would anything be added by slightly altering the last refrain to;
evolve, take the head, break the heart.

either way a great example of the form.

She smothers her silence with art.
Like coffee, the taste at first bitter
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

Her I is the ex of Descartes
crossed plainly, for though it may split her
she smothers her silence with art.

I am does not sum up the part
she plays as the one who’d admit her
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

Exactly too static to start,
her whole is the soul of the quitter:
she smothers her silence with art.

She moves through the world a la carte
and smorgasbord chaos, to fit her,
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

Don’t plot her, she’s not on your chart
and sensible men will permit her
to smother her silence, for art
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

[Leanne]

It's amphibrachs We haven't really gone into those, they're "short on both sides" -- da DUM da.

She SMOthers/ her SIlence/ with ART__.
Like COFFee/ the TASTE at/ first BITTer
eVOLVES, takes/ the HEAD, breaks/ the HEART __.

You could also scan it as spondees and iambs, depending on how you pronounce it. That's the bugger of scansion, it's fairly accent-dependent and it makes a difference where you start your emphasis. So you're not wrong, and well spotted that it's not iambic

Your refrain change would bugger up my grammar, sorry

[billy]

no probs on the buggery

i'm just glad i noticed an extra 6 inches (half foot)

[shemthepenman]

This is fantastic. I must confess that finding/using so many rhymes with Art/Heart could have seemed strained or forced, but each one is apt and perfectly placed.
I cannot fault it in terms of technique. In which case, this won't be much of a critique (note to self: must stop talking in rhyme)
Having a degree in philosophy, I am always happy to see the old dusties resurrected in poetry. However, I was unsure whether the thread was continued throughout the poem. S2-3-4-6 all seem to explicitly refer to Descartes, but S1-5 seem to abandon the connection, unless I am missing something (possibly something historical).
Anyhow, this is by-the-by because it is a great poem. I don't know why (and I'll probably regret saying this) but it's like in poetry what samiyam is doing with music.
thanks.

[rowens]

"as the one who’d admit her"

Sounds a little forced. It makes sense, though.
And I was thinking it means

I am does not sum up the part
she plays, as the one who’d admit her
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

Though the comma doesn't look very attractive there. And without the comma, it sort of blends the 'I am' and 'the part' at the same time as it makes a distinction between them. But I'm getting crude again. And what is this 'it' I keep talking about?


And the last part:

and sensible men will permit her
to smother her silence, for art
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.

I wish I knew somebody that would do that. But there are no sensible men, and a lot of women that give up their talent so not to break hearts. Though they still break hearts in the old fashioned way. So it amounts to the same chaos.

A pretty good poem. Approached with the proper bit of humour, even the "admit her" "quitter" rhymes begin to come off.

[Stalker]

I don't know about amphi-wotsits - it sounds like limericks to me!

[Leanne]

Stalker, you're spot on, amphibrachs always show up in limericks, it's just too big a word to confuse the Irish with most of the time

Rowen, you've picked a bit I've edited and re-edited, always with a bloody comma! There should be a comma there to remove ambiguity. I'm going to put it back in now, thanks

Mr Penman, sir, I can't believe you called Descartes an "old dusty"! You're not missing something. I was trying to look at more of a chaos/order thing but just couldn't help myself when it came to puns. Rene offers so many It may be a bit too self-indulgent to work properly though. I'm afraid I'm ignorant of Samiyam but I'll happily google, if only to see if you really will regret it! Thank you for your considered comment.

[shemthepenman]

I surely will regret it... I meant flyamsam (samiyam is one of a pair - but seriously they are doing some amazing stuff with music)
Anyhow, no way is itoo self-indulgent! It is an extra layer to a poem that is exceptional on it's own.

ps. maybe listen to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfHXMdA8gG8)