01-10-2013, 03:42 PM
Hey Destiny,
This needs a title, a good title makes all the difference.
"a vague remembrance/in her memory too deep"---very good line, it gives the reader a good hint of who "she" is
I would change "virgin ground" because it's used to describe the girl in the previous line maybe use "pure" or maybe a little deeper and use "transparent"
I would also use some punctuation, it helps the reader knowing when to pause and knowing what words are emphasized.
Overall, this had a sense of calm and a natural, earthy tone that's simple but can be interpreted in many ways. A solid read with an amazing ending.
This needs a title, a good title makes all the difference.
"a vague remembrance/in her memory too deep"---very good line, it gives the reader a good hint of who "she" is
I would change "virgin ground" because it's used to describe the girl in the previous line maybe use "pure" or maybe a little deeper and use "transparent"
I would also use some punctuation, it helps the reader knowing when to pause and knowing what words are emphasized.
Overall, this had a sense of calm and a natural, earthy tone that's simple but can be interpreted in many ways. A solid read with an amazing ending.