01-03-2013, 12:56 PM
I want to hold you so hard
so close our ribcages
mesh together like two broken privacy fences
I think these 3 lines are what cemented the creepy feeling for me. When you use the word 'hard', it seems kind of obsessive, and maybe a little violent. I think 'tight' or 'close' are better choices. Also, saying that you want to hug someone till your ribcages mesh together feels like it's saying that you want to be one with the other party. Yes, it can be emotional and touching, but the imagery of ribcages meshing together feels really physical and once again, a little violent. I'd go for a gentler words like 'melt'. I'd wait for more people to give feedback though, because I may be the only one getting this sort of impression from your poem.
so close our ribcages
mesh together like two broken privacy fences
I think these 3 lines are what cemented the creepy feeling for me. When you use the word 'hard', it seems kind of obsessive, and maybe a little violent. I think 'tight' or 'close' are better choices. Also, saying that you want to hug someone till your ribcages mesh together feels like it's saying that you want to be one with the other party. Yes, it can be emotional and touching, but the imagery of ribcages meshing together feels really physical and once again, a little violent. I'd go for a gentler words like 'melt'. I'd wait for more people to give feedback though, because I may be the only one getting this sort of impression from your poem.
Back!