contemplating

[serge gurkski]

Looking into the mirror,
I am glad, you're in a
happy shape
again.

Where's the woman gone
and where is the money?
Do we care? We better
should not.

I should take a stroll outside
even in the rain:

Luck is out
there.


-----------------------
thanks to Pete and tec. helping me to fix it. ;-) >
And now to Todd too.

[Pete Ak]

Enjoyed the way you present the message, holding back "there" for a few lines is very clever, it works both intellectually and poetically (for me at least.) I'm not sure if in the heart of the piece there is enough to chew on and I wonder why you use "we" here, I read it as a colloquialism which if it is, I think it's unnecessary.
The denouement is elegant, I love the double twist you've effected with 'luck' - the extra spacing you use helps the reader to 'get it.'
I'm envious!

[serge gurkski]

don't be, Pete ;-)
yes, the "we: i used bc of the mirror: we is me and what I see in the mirror. Makes two and that is why. But i am ready to correct it. I need readers to tell me if it's ok as is. I am standing too close.

cheers and thank you for looking into it.

Serge

[tectak]

Looking into the mirror
I am glad you're in a
happy shape again. Punctuate. For me

Where's the women gone where have abbreviates with difficulty into "Where've" but it beats the grammatical hell out've "where is/has the women gone"
and where the money? Lost last chance here. "Where's"
Do we care, we better not. Do we care? We'd better not. If only for consistency

I should take a stroll outside
even in the rain:

Luck is out



there.

Finally....why the gimmicky end line spacing.? It adds nothing but reeks of enfeebled desire to produce originality. This piece stands on its merit. It is terse-verse and I commend it.
This parting comment may be received badly but I understood it all. Now that IS originality
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

"reeks of enfeebled desire to produce originality"

I love this! no pun.

but to your possible astonishment: Nope. No originality intended.

The line you troubled over is to be corrected according to your comment. You are right. i ll fix thaT:

To the end line spacing. I agree.

thanks for commenting.
cheers
Serge

---

at tec again: you said terse verse and I really wanna go for it. Someone called me wordy and i thought about it and must yes, confess, it is so.

I try to get terse. (long way to tipperary though).

Content (plot) and style (how to put it)

another lecture on Gurkski poetics.
And I blame it on you that you triggered that. ;-)

How do you define a poet (Greek: a maker) and how poetry?
Tell me why Danse Russe sounds so fine and don't count words.
Not to mention Cummings and D Thomas too.
If my grammar does not fit you I am sad. Can it fix it to your likes?

Have a fine day

cheerio
Serge

[Todd]

Hi Serge,

I like this tight little piece. I have no issue with the title though I could easily see this retitled as something like "Divorce". I don't have a lot of suggestions and they're light as far as that goes. The poem holds together well--so, options to consider. Here goes:

Looking into the mirror,
I am glad, you're in a
happy shape again.--Maybe a line break after shape to have again sit alone on its own line

Where's the woman gone
and where is the money?
Do we care? We better should not.--maybe a line break after better

I should take a stroll outside
even in the rain:

Luck is out--I like the type of "luck" in mind. This is someone finally ready to restart and risk again
there.


-----------------------
thanks to Pete and tec. helping me to fix it. ;-)

I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[serge gurkski]

yup. Todd I agree line breaks-wise.
thank you man
I fix it now.