A Tear Shreds

[tectak]

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shaky. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

---

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shaky. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

Hello,
Happy New year. I am going to go easy on this because although it is posted in "serious" there is just not enough competancy to justify its location. Nonetheless, this is how I see it.
First off, you are too contrite and it shows. You must read good poetry to write good poetry. You are trying too hard to be "different" and this is difficult when you appear to be unaware of the diversity of poetry that is all around you. So my first tip would be READ MORE POETRY. Right now, you are the one who goes to the party to show off his "individualistic" pierced nipple only to find that there isn't an unpierced nipple in the place.
If you can rhyme, and you want to rhyme, and you can do it well...do it.
If not... DON'T.....or you will show yourself to be a dilettante.
OK. Now on the subject matter. This is just so generic that it is like listening to a fake clairvoyant trying to find a hook. It could be written about ANYTHING.
Now, if you think I don't know what I am talking about, you should read my attempt at this kind of verse, posted earlier in "serious". It is bloody terrible!!!!!!
BUT, I know it is terrible and I know why.
Keep posting because Damascus Poets often shine the brightest......or they end up blinded by their own reflection.
Best,
tectak