01-02-2013, 11:32 AM
Hello! 
The point of a poem is not for it to rhyme. Anyone can make a poem rhyme. The 'key' is to make it come alive.
Yes, there is not a lot of rhyming involved, but that is for a good reason. I don't want the reader to read it like you read other poems. I want my poems to be my own. In it's own pattern. It may not sound as good. But my goal is to make the reader feel it.
Heh. Not strong enough? The reason why there's a mild and serious critique forum is because people want mild or serious reviews. I want serious reviews. It's not strong enough. Why? Because it doesn't go along what you see regularly. That's what I'm aiming at, mate.
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We are arguing the same point
. I think that the rhyme should be eliminated. I think it would make the piece stronger. I think that this poem could be a lot stronger without being held back by the necessity to rhyme. As for a serious critique, I feel this piece is way too vague. You tell us everything. There is no showing in this piece. You don't show us specifics or emotions, you try to tell us about them and I don't think it really works. I know it might sound weird, but if you tell the audience "He is sad.", it wont hold as much emotional presence. Now, if you show us how a person specifically and uniquely handles his own sadness, it will hit us a lot harder. There are also quite a few cliches (overused phrases and ideas) within this piece. I also feel it would greatly benefit from the utilization of metaphor, simile, and other poetic techniques. Good luck!
The point of a poem is not for it to rhyme. Anyone can make a poem rhyme. The 'key' is to make it come alive.
Yes, there is not a lot of rhyming involved, but that is for a good reason. I don't want the reader to read it like you read other poems. I want my poems to be my own. In it's own pattern. It may not sound as good. But my goal is to make the reader feel it.
Heh. Not strong enough? The reason why there's a mild and serious critique forum is because people want mild or serious reviews. I want serious reviews. It's not strong enough. Why? Because it doesn't go along what you see regularly. That's what I'm aiming at, mate.
[/quote]
We are arguing the same point
. I think that the rhyme should be eliminated. I think it would make the piece stronger. I think that this poem could be a lot stronger without being held back by the necessity to rhyme. As for a serious critique, I feel this piece is way too vague. You tell us everything. There is no showing in this piece. You don't show us specifics or emotions, you try to tell us about them and I don't think it really works. I know it might sound weird, but if you tell the audience "He is sad.", it wont hold as much emotional presence. Now, if you show us how a person specifically and uniquely handles his own sadness, it will hit us a lot harder. There are also quite a few cliches (overused phrases and ideas) within this piece. I also feel it would greatly benefit from the utilization of metaphor, simile, and other poetic techniques. Good luck!