01-02-2013, 09:05 AM
(01-02-2013, 07:34 AM)KbPoetry Wrote: Hello there! Welcome! I feel that this poem may better be suited for the "mild critique" section of this website. I feel that this piece is not as strong as it could be. I feel that the rhyme is at times very pedestrian and I think that the rhyming is holding this poem back. I think you are limited by trying to find words that rhyme and this allows your poems to fall victim to cliches and abstractions. For example, in the second stanza the action only seems to be happening because you need to find words that rhyme. This makes the poem very vague. If it wasn't for the introduction that you gave us to the piece, I would have no clue what this piece was about. I think you should make the whole piece more specific and that will let the audience fully sympathize with the situation. Good luck with your revisions.Hello!
The point of a poem is not for it to rhyme. Anyone can make a poem rhyme. The 'key' is to make it come alive.
Yes, there is not a lot of rhyming involved, but that is for a good reason. I don't want the reader to read it like you read other poems. I want my poems to be my own. In it's own pattern. It may not sound as good. But my goal is to make the reader feel it.
Heh. Not strong enough? The reason why there's a mild and serious critique forum is because people want mild or serious reviews. I want serious reviews. It's not strong enough. Why? Because it doesn't go along what you see regularly. That's what I'm aiming at, mate.
