01-02-2013, 07:34 AM
Hello there! Welcome! I feel that this poem may better be suited for the "mild critique" section of this website. I feel that this piece is not as strong as it could be. I feel that the rhyme is at times very pedestrian and I think that the rhyming is holding this poem back. I think you are limited by trying to find words that rhyme and this allows your poems to fall victim to cliches and abstractions. For example, in the second stanza the action only seems to be happening because you need to find words that rhyme. This makes the poem very vague. If it wasn't for the introduction that you gave us to the piece, I would have no clue what this piece was about. I think you should make the whole piece more specific and that will let the audience fully sympathize with the situation. Good luck with your revisions.