12-29-2012, 03:18 AM
The culture that seemingly defines this particular forum doesn't consider mere congratulations as a 'worthy critique' so, if I want my comment to stay up I need to offer some criticism.
Despite setting the scene with clarity and extraordinary deftness, slipping easily into a middle section which, tho a predictable narrative, is none the less easy to follow and a last quatrain that is neatly linked, enigmatic and cleverly finished off - the poem has a few areas that, if it were mine, I'd continue to work on. I cannot find problems with structure or technique other than maybe some rhymes feel a little shoe-horned into place (L2). L4's rhyme could give the impression of going back in time a little bit. This depends on at what point in his work the sculptor sees the piece coming to life but to end the second couplet with 'a new creation can begin' after a 'chip releases life within' in the line before felt the wrong way around to me. 'Unlock' repeated, went surprisingly unnoticed first read, maybe because I admire the creativity with which you finish the poem.
Despite it being an obviously rhyming piece I don't feel it's driven by the need to rhyme, they just fall into place. Respect.
Despite setting the scene with clarity and extraordinary deftness, slipping easily into a middle section which, tho a predictable narrative, is none the less easy to follow and a last quatrain that is neatly linked, enigmatic and cleverly finished off - the poem has a few areas that, if it were mine, I'd continue to work on. I cannot find problems with structure or technique other than maybe some rhymes feel a little shoe-horned into place (L2). L4's rhyme could give the impression of going back in time a little bit. This depends on at what point in his work the sculptor sees the piece coming to life but to end the second couplet with 'a new creation can begin' after a 'chip releases life within' in the line before felt the wrong way around to me. 'Unlock' repeated, went surprisingly unnoticed first read, maybe because I admire the creativity with which you finish the poem.
Despite it being an obviously rhyming piece I don't feel it's driven by the need to rhyme, they just fall into place. Respect.