The Missus is on my Back.

[Pete Ak]

The Missus is on my back,
Children, playing pirates
ride my feet. Their
arms enfold my calves,
giggling grins as wide as verity.
Along the path,
gnarled, spirit hands
of my mother and father
reach without grasping.
I trudge contentedly.


O r i g i n a l
Wife on my back,
'ankle-biters' have pirated my feet.
Arms enfold my calves,
grins as wide as verity.
Along the path, gnarled hands
reach without grasping.
I trudge contentedly.

[tectak]

Wife on my back,
ankle-biters have pirated my feet.
Arms enfold my calves,
grins as wide as verity.
Along the path, gnarled hands
reach without grasping.
I trudge contentedly.

For reasons not apparent, even to me, I find I like the flow of this terse- verse. I quite like these short pieces because it is necessary to get in as much as possible in limited space....so the density goes up and I don't have to swim far between islands.
You may decide to tell us what it is about but I get kids, walk in woods, compulsory.
In fact, I love it. Grins as wide as verity from me.
I also like the punctuation. Done correctly, as it is here, words breathe in and out in their changing space. Well done. Can you write in rhyme?
Best,
tectak

[arbil_poieo]

My interpretation is a husband carrying his wife while walking because she's spooked of all the critters and he doesn't mind it even though he's getting attacked by them. Probably wrong but that's the joy of reading and writing poetry.

There's so much to like about this. It's short without it being lacking. I like that it's one big image with that subtle hint of a man's love for his wife.

This was a joy to read.

[Pete Ak]

Based on the feedback I've edited this piece, sacrificed some brevity for clarification! Hope it's more enjoyable now. Big thanks to you tectak (I'm actually a 'rhymoholic' but this is an early attempt to rid myself of the habit, I'll post a rhyming piece shortly).
a_p. - thanks for reading and commenting, as you can see your interpretation forced a small but v.significant revision which I'm sure will result in an "aha" reaction from you! Thanks

[billy]

hi pete, i missed this one.

i really like the original. it feels like parents or grandparents.

Children, playing pirates
ride on my feet. Their i think parts of this could be worked into the original (does it need 'on') i do like the term ankle biters.

and they're giggling grins
are as wide as verity.is they're needed? the first part could be fitted in well

gnarled, spirit hands
of my mother and father works

while i prefer the original, i think you could better utilise some the edit to make the original better.

[Pete Ak]

I like the way you prune my poems Billy, thank you. If you're interested in a part-time poet-gardener's position (3 days a week!) just apply!!
Small edits made, cheers!
I quite like 'ankle-biters' as a term for children but I feel it has too much room for misunderstanding _ what do you think?

[billy]

now the poem grown, i was wondering if it would stand out better with two stanza,

giggling grins as wide as verity..... end of 1st


Along the path, ....start of 2nd.

also wondered if

Children playing;
pirates ride my feet.
Their arms enfold my calves,

might read a little better but it's just really a nit. nice edit

[Keith]

Hi Pete AK
I think your edit really works, I love joining a thread at this point, it really shows how good this site can be, when used openly, nice job and great images.
Keith