12-23-2012, 05:29 PM
Hello travel...
A nice poem in here somewhere. The lack of at least a working title is disconcerting, I have no hints, no reference point so from the intro I could be reading a poem about the sky, a horizon either literal or metaphorical, 'moving stillness' etc. Make this intro more than a mere scene setter or at least hint at the presence of your subject. The words of the intro feel poetic but of course really say very little (I do this a lot but have to be ruthless when re-writing) Not sure why in S2 you link 'soft' with 'foreboding' nor why she should be tainted by a caress? I wonder also if "anothers (sic) cheek" could be better put. Then "kissing the neck...", etc is cliched.
So, despite these loving ministrations she is unresponsive and we're told of the reaction of the 'shapes' - interesting but I need more info about these shapes now! The following two lines I wonder about the point, the 'flashes of pure blue' I presume to be her but where are we clued into this notion beforehand? The only blue we heard about was the sky. As for her suffocation - I really, really need to know what this is all about. The next stanza doesn't help me much, you tell us about what's going on around her giving consciousness to 'bleak shadows' but nothing about the girl, true also of the final stanza.
I'm sure in your thinking you have a clear idea of what's going on in the girl's life, head, whatever... sometimes it's effective to suggest such things but even suggestion needs more than you've given.
On the positive side you do turn some nice poetic phrases in this piece but you need to consider what they add to the poem... your opening line is a good example - notwithstanding the lack of sense it does sound poetic but there's too much of it, 'crisp'?, blue?, are both adjectives needed, do you need an adjective at all? "Simple yet beautiful" is an opinion readers may not get or share. The rest of that stanza again I appreciate that you're trying to add drama to the situation but listing words of movement, none of which says anything different to the other is the kind of thing re-writes were invented for!
Hope you find this constructive.
A nice poem in here somewhere. The lack of at least a working title is disconcerting, I have no hints, no reference point so from the intro I could be reading a poem about the sky, a horizon either literal or metaphorical, 'moving stillness' etc. Make this intro more than a mere scene setter or at least hint at the presence of your subject. The words of the intro feel poetic but of course really say very little (I do this a lot but have to be ruthless when re-writing) Not sure why in S2 you link 'soft' with 'foreboding' nor why she should be tainted by a caress? I wonder also if "anothers (sic) cheek" could be better put. Then "kissing the neck...", etc is cliched.
So, despite these loving ministrations she is unresponsive and we're told of the reaction of the 'shapes' - interesting but I need more info about these shapes now! The following two lines I wonder about the point, the 'flashes of pure blue' I presume to be her but where are we clued into this notion beforehand? The only blue we heard about was the sky. As for her suffocation - I really, really need to know what this is all about. The next stanza doesn't help me much, you tell us about what's going on around her giving consciousness to 'bleak shadows' but nothing about the girl, true also of the final stanza.
I'm sure in your thinking you have a clear idea of what's going on in the girl's life, head, whatever... sometimes it's effective to suggest such things but even suggestion needs more than you've given.
On the positive side you do turn some nice poetic phrases in this piece but you need to consider what they add to the poem... your opening line is a good example - notwithstanding the lack of sense it does sound poetic but there's too much of it, 'crisp'?, blue?, are both adjectives needed, do you need an adjective at all? "Simple yet beautiful" is an opinion readers may not get or share. The rest of that stanza again I appreciate that you're trying to add drama to the situation but listing words of movement, none of which says anything different to the other is the kind of thing re-writes were invented for!
Hope you find this constructive.