The Sun

[Eric shelman]

Mourning-raises and evening-out Set
Exploding and uniting vapors are my everlasting fodder
Orientating the sphere of existence around me
Golden locks beard my youthful face
Stolen am I, but gained, lost, and redistributed throughout the cycle
A vital ingredient for games of production, reproduction, and sustenance am I
A creator for, a destroyer of, and a sustainer-of-all am I
My kisses are randomly discharged into the vastness
Infinite amounts of livelihood is what offers I

[billy]

hi again eric.
more or less the same feedbackl for this as i gave for the moon riddle. the last line feels a bit like a Jamaican drug dealer
try and make what it is you're trying to achieve less obvious.

Mourning-raises and evening-out Set
Exploding and uniting vapors are my everlasting fodder
Orientating the sphere of existence around me
Golden locks beard my youthful face
Stolen am I, but gained, lost, and redistributed throughout the cycle
A vital ingredient for games of production, reproduction, and sustenance am I
A creator for, a destroyer of, and a sustainer-of-all am I
My kisses are randomly discharged into the vastness
Infinite amounts of livelihood is what offers I

[tectak]

Mourning-raises and evening-out SetI just cannot make sense of this. You do mean "Morning" and not "mourning", surely.......but even so? ??
Exploding and uniting vapors are my everlasting fodder I would give up here, Eric, as we are not in your comfort zone. "exploding and uniting vapours" inadequately describes nuclear fusion as we are talking free protons here. Get out of the pseudo- science and use your imagery powers.....they will serve your poetic ambitions much more successfully.
Orientating the sphere of existence around meesoteric. Only you can know what you mean by this
Golden locks beard my youthful face
Stolen am I, but gained, lost, and redistributed throughout the cycle....clarity is absent. This reads like gobbledygook yet you are presumed to be giving clues to your title......this is blatant misdirection
A vital ingredient for games of production, reproduction, and sustenance am I
A creator for, a destroyer of, and a sustainer-of-all am I
My kisses are randomly discharged into the vastness
Infinite amounts of livelihood is what offers Ian eminently suited last line. What I gets from this is nothing I.

Hi Eric,
As I said somewhere all is opinion but if all opinion is the same you may be well advised to take note. You are not actually adding to the wondrous reality of your subject with these banal and diverting descriptions. Your golden locked face is is a seething mass of unimaginable power, vicious radiation, elemental wrath. Try to describe it thus but in your own words. You have enough imagination to make a poor job of it and that usually means that it only requires a shift in intellect to make a good job of it. Franky, I do not think the subject is one you should attempt to poeticise ( is that a word?) but there are other subjects.....and I don't mean Jupiter.
Best.
tectak

[Pete Ak]

The problem with this piece for me is that the only thing worthy of comment is the voice you use to narrate it, unfortunately this reader doesn't find that voice either engaging or particularly poetic. I'd work on finding more interesting/unique ways of talking about the sun. Good luck!