12-21-2012, 08:57 PM
Quite a job you've made of this. Love / War isn't new but your approach is about as direct as I've seen. To be honest I'm not totally convinced it works, the tender side of love relationships is inevitably less prominent yet i don't get a feeling that that is what you want. Some work will be required to draw that kind of allusion into a poem like this. An option could be to deliberately eschew the 'tenderness' side and be more strident in the 'love/war' arena. As it is the poem feels a bit in-between.
You're rhyming skills are very apparent and used (as I see it) to propel the poem along sometimes at breakneck pace, utilising the war analogy provides opportunity for a few arresting / explosive moments which you could use 'stop' rhymes to portray. A few of the rhymes feel as if they're there because they're cool rather than add to the impact of the poem - best example is "recreation and salvation" - personally I don't like 'recreation' here. Not sure about the differently presented penultimate two lines either? Thanks for a good read though, you have a poem of great potential methinks.
You're rhyming skills are very apparent and used (as I see it) to propel the poem along sometimes at breakneck pace, utilising the war analogy provides opportunity for a few arresting / explosive moments which you could use 'stop' rhymes to portray. A few of the rhymes feel as if they're there because they're cool rather than add to the impact of the poem - best example is "recreation and salvation" - personally I don't like 'recreation' here. Not sure about the differently presented penultimate two lines either? Thanks for a good read though, you have a poem of great potential methinks.