Dare I think for myself

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Edit 1
Do tell me, which one shall fall prey?
The ones whose devils tear at their throat
Setting fire to every sense and thought
Whilst whipping them to enslavement

Or the ones who sit in comfort
Of the body, mind, and spirit
As demons play friend, and counsel
Distracting minds with their sparkle

Or should we stand always aware
Treating both as teacher, and foe
Whilst being self-mindful, and astute
Failing only by lack of thought

Do tell me, which one shall fall prey?
The ones whose devils tear at their throat
Setting fire to every sense and thought
Whilst whipping them to submission

Or the ones who sit in comfort
Of the body, mind, and spirit
As demons play friend, and council
Distracting eyes with their sparkle

Should we stand constantly aware?
Treating both as teacher, and foe
Whilst being self-mindful, and astute
Stand we fall prey only to self

[Leanne]

Do tell me, which one shall fall prey?
The ones whose devils tear at their throat
Setting fire to every sense and thought
Whilst whipping them to submission -- I'd suggest a more substantial image than just "submission", it's a bit vague

Or the ones who sit in comfort -- good contrast between stanzas
Of the body, mind, and spirit
As demons play friend, and council -- do you mean counsel, as in advocate? That would work as either noun or, in conjunction with the next line, verb
Distracting eyes with their sparkle -- I don't think "eyes" is required as "sparkle" is a visual term

Should we stand constantly aware? -- I think the question mark would be more correct at the end of this stanza -- and ending on a rhetorical question is a good persuasive device
Treating both as teacher, and foe
Whilst being self-mindful, and astute
Stand we fall prey only to self -- very awkward phrasing -- your last line should be your most powerful, not leaving the reader with a "huh?"

Hi Jae -- good ideas here, it just runs a little too far toward generalities and would benefit from some stronger imagery. It's great to follow your thought processes though, I'd be interested to see how this ends up.

[smakpopy]

Do tell me, which one shall fall prey?-This paragraph talks of those who rebel, and are in turn persecuted into conformity
The ones whose devils tear at their throat
Setting fire to every sense and thought
Whilst whipping them to submission

Or the ones who sit in comfort-This paragraph talks of those who accept all indoctrinations into the mainstream way of thinking, and in a way end up souless, passively accepting what they are told to believe.
Of the body, mind, and spirit
As demons play friend, and council
Distracting eyes with their sparkle

Should we stand constantly aware?-Here you are urged to question authority, but not rebel for the sake of rebelling
Treating both as teacher, and foe
Whilst being self-mindful, and astute
Stand we fall prey only to self-The end is a warning that if you think for yourself always, after considering all arguments, if you fail to make the right choice or judgement, you have beaten yourself

Thats what i pull from it.

I revised what you wrote, im not sure if that is appropriate or not, but here is what i suggest to improve it:

Do tell me, which one shall fall prey?-This paragraph talks of those who rebel, and are in turn persecuted into conformity
The ones whose devils tear at their throat
Setting afire every sense and thought
Whilst whipping them to subjugation

Or the ones who sit comfortable-This paragraph talks of those who accept all indoctrinations into the mainstream way of thinking, and in a way end up souless, passively accepting what they are told to believe.
In body, mind, and spirit
As demons play friend, and counselor
Distracting them while eyes sparkle

Should we stand constantly vigilant?-Here you are urged to question authority, but not rebel for the sake of rebelling
Treating both as teacher, and foe
Whilst being self-mindful, and astute
Lest we fall prey to selflessness-The end is a warning that if you think for yourself always, after considering all arguments, if you fail to make the right choice or judgement, you have beaten yourself

---

Edit 1
Do tell me, which one shall fall prey?
The ones whose devils tear at their throat
Setting fire to every sense and thought
Whilst whipping them to enslavement

Or the ones who sit in comfort
Of the body, mind, and spirit
As demons play friend, and counsel -maybe change to "As demons counsel and play friend
Distracting minds with their sparkle

Or should we stand always aware
Treating both as teacher, and foe
Whilst being self-mindful, and astute
Failing only by lack of thought

[Keith]

Great edit, I particularly enjoy the contrast in the stanza's and how much you pack into the lines, I also like the question set up by your title, thanks for the read.
Keith

[tectak]

Edit 1
Do tell me, which one shall fall prey?
The ones whose devils tear at their throatYou have shifted from singular to plural for no good reason and got muddled!.......change L1 to "ones" is better cohesion but you then have two one's and one throat belonging to them! You are good enough to out this right without any more from me
Setting fire to every sense and thought
Whilst whipping them to enslavement just tweak the punctuation a little because it is inconsistent.

Or the ones who sit in comfort
Of the body, mind, and spirit
As demons play friend, and counsel
Distracting minds with their sparkle this stanza, and probably the whole piece, cries out for rhyme......I am not going to get it, I know

Or should we stand always aware
Treating both as teacher, and foe
Whilst being self-mindful, and astute
Failing only by lack of thought Nice and meaningful...what does it mean?

Do tell me, which one shall fall prey?
The ones whose devils tear at their throat
Setting fire to every sense and thought
Whilst whipping them to submission

Or the ones who sit in comfort
Of the body, mind, and spirit
As demons play friend, and council
Distracting eyes with their sparkle[

Should we stand constantly aware?
Treating both as teacher, and foe
Whilst being self-mindful, and astute
Stand we fall prey only to self

I am tempted to duplicate my crit! There are some great working near-hypotheses in this which I think are worth SERIOU SLY developing. It is, to mix a metaphor, half- cooked.
besr,
tectak