a bottle of wine later

[Jae Mc Donnell]

How are things mate. In my opinion I like the poem almost as it is. It does what it says on the tin.

A few things I would point out are.
the phone doesn't ring
her car isn't parked outside
her voice doesn't sing
she won’t get ready to go out at mine

a couple of glasses of wine later Maybe lose the later

her perfume is still not present
she is still not around
no footsteps heard
damn it hurts

a bottle of wine later Same again

I give up
I know she won’t come
I know she won’t call
I know she won’t get ready at mine

another bottle of wine later Maybe chang to another bottle gone

I wonder why A comma after wonder and lose the three why's after the first one
why doesn't she want me to get her tea ready one last time
why doesn't she want me back
why doesn't she want to make it work
why doesn't she try again

a last bottle of wine Maybe change to no more wine

and I feel sick Lose the and
I rush to the toilets
I piss a river of wine lose the of wine
I look at myself in the mirror
and I finally understand why… maybe change to and finally I understand

But as I said, I do like the poem. Good job.[/quote]