12-15-2012, 01:56 AM
Geoff, the edit is really nice. It's much more pulled together. I only had one bump.
You may want to cut this line:
Spanish for porcelain dancers
It feels like too much of an expositional aside. It's not something the speaker would need to translate for themselves.
Beyond that, I felt it was solid work.
You may want to cut this line:
Spanish for porcelain dancers
It feels like too much of an expositional aside. It's not something the speaker would need to translate for themselves.
Beyond that, I felt it was solid work.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson