12-14-2012, 04:09 AM
I’m gleaning in the orchards.
The birds have pecked
and hollowed out,
the apple of my sty.
The sky above is empty,
devoid of blessings, free
of doves. Branched and bare.
I’m garnering.
Green glass, frozen shards,
With blades sharp to pierce
and prick my tender parts.
A careless contract,
I’m torn apart. A wounded
hart, bare rooted.
I’m gathering back, clinging
lichen, a sign, a healthy disposition.
Fieldfares flit and flirt. Beneath
the budding trees, a fruitful flow
that with the sun will rise
and grow. Bearing seeping sap.
....................................
After the "hollowed out" you don't need a comma, unless you want a more pronounced pause there. "The birds have pecked and hollowed out the apple of my sty" wouldn't have a comma. The last stanza seems more compressed in a complicated way than the others. You might want to keep it, or you can run through it a few more times. As you said you were really into the editing of this one, the last part is the only part that might actually need any.
The birds have pecked
and hollowed out,
the apple of my sty.
The sky above is empty,
devoid of blessings, free
of doves. Branched and bare.
I’m garnering.
Green glass, frozen shards,
With blades sharp to pierce
and prick my tender parts.
A careless contract,
I’m torn apart. A wounded
hart, bare rooted.
I’m gathering back, clinging
lichen, a sign, a healthy disposition.
Fieldfares flit and flirt. Beneath
the budding trees, a fruitful flow
that with the sun will rise
and grow. Bearing seeping sap.
....................................
After the "hollowed out" you don't need a comma, unless you want a more pronounced pause there. "The birds have pecked and hollowed out the apple of my sty" wouldn't have a comma. The last stanza seems more compressed in a complicated way than the others. You might want to keep it, or you can run through it a few more times. As you said you were really into the editing of this one, the last part is the only part that might actually need any.