12-13-2012, 10:27 PM
The emptyness inside meCliched beginning but offset by mis-spelling!
Wos calling out your nameHorrible line in isolation. I can only suggest that you re-write it. It is a let-down line and unworthy of you
Clarity lost in echoesNice line indicating real perception. This and the next line work well.
Boucing off my walls of shameAgain...watch the spelling as it detracts from the piece....as does the unestablished rhythm. Just post-haste editing I guess.
Loneliness it drove me Yoda-esque with strange personification of psychological state...not a bad thing if deliberate but is it? We shall see.
Grail quest to find the oneSomething missing here. "....it drove me grail quest to find the one" Huh?
To find in who's arms I'd fit
That name to whom I belongAgain, there is a completeness in each stanza which fails to smoothly lead in to the next. It makes for an over-the-sticks ride which is not fitting.
In turmoil I became blinded
Ambling down many winding lanes
Ample footpath choices
Destinations all the sameThis stanza is very flaky rhythmically. I know you know how to put it right....read aloud.
In confusion I wos brokenNot convinced by the sparce vernacular as do not believe anyone really thinks that WAS is spelled WOS. If deliberate....it does not help
One name I'd never find
Souls so tattered an well wornI hope I was right but "...AN well worn " is giving me shivers
Meandering until the end of timeHuge cliche....notworthy
Tiredness took me over
So rested by an inn
There you stood with arms open
An took me with all my sinVery trite and simplistic nursery rhyme stuff. An Agony Aunt may publish this verse but I just cannot stomach it. Honest comment take it or leave it
Cleansed an refreshed you made meImpregnated tissue works just as well. D after an or I will scream.
I'd been searching for so long
Alas your name it wasn't the one
But now I smile, as I keep on moving on The lonesome cowboy rides off into the sunset. Omit this verse as it adds nothing to a small sum total. Not your best but no one ever is
[/quote]
I felt cheated throughout this piece. It just seemed to fail so deliberately in each stanza that I could not help but feel that if this was so, it could be salvaged very easily. In the round, though, I was left in need of radar...scanning around for the good ship Reason, which never appeared.
tectak
Wos calling out your nameHorrible line in isolation. I can only suggest that you re-write it. It is a let-down line and unworthy of you
Clarity lost in echoesNice line indicating real perception. This and the next line work well.
Boucing off my walls of shameAgain...watch the spelling as it detracts from the piece....as does the unestablished rhythm. Just post-haste editing I guess.
Loneliness it drove me Yoda-esque with strange personification of psychological state...not a bad thing if deliberate but is it? We shall see.
Grail quest to find the oneSomething missing here. "....it drove me grail quest to find the one" Huh?
To find in who's arms I'd fit
That name to whom I belongAgain, there is a completeness in each stanza which fails to smoothly lead in to the next. It makes for an over-the-sticks ride which is not fitting.
In turmoil I became blinded
Ambling down many winding lanes
Ample footpath choices
Destinations all the sameThis stanza is very flaky rhythmically. I know you know how to put it right....read aloud.
In confusion I wos brokenNot convinced by the sparce vernacular as do not believe anyone really thinks that WAS is spelled WOS. If deliberate....it does not help
One name I'd never find
Souls so tattered an well wornI hope I was right but "...AN well worn " is giving me shivers
Meandering until the end of timeHuge cliche....notworthy
Tiredness took me over
So rested by an inn
There you stood with arms open
An took me with all my sinVery trite and simplistic nursery rhyme stuff. An Agony Aunt may publish this verse but I just cannot stomach it. Honest comment take it or leave it
Cleansed an refreshed you made meImpregnated tissue works just as well. D after an or I will scream.
I'd been searching for so long
Alas your name it wasn't the one
But now I smile, as I keep on moving on The lonesome cowboy rides off into the sunset. Omit this verse as it adds nothing to a small sum total. Not your best but no one ever is
[/quote]
I felt cheated throughout this piece. It just seemed to fail so deliberately in each stanza that I could not help but feel that if this was so, it could be salvaged very easily. In the round, though, I was left in need of radar...scanning around for the good ship Reason, which never appeared.
tectak