12-12-2012, 04:22 PM
Hi Philatone,
I liked how you have worked this. (Having done it for my mother-in-law).
I thought the title was clean and strong and gave me a firm steer into the poem.
However this was then weakened by the 2 repetitions of the title word within the first three stanzas and I feel that perhaps an alternative could be found in both places.
The poem seamed vague, weak and did not connect for the first three stanzas and then it coalesced and worked with increasing momentum towards the last stanza which was a great last comment to close the subject. I was not sure if this was a deliberate part of your intent / design, to emphasise the progression in thoughts and commitment. (I started off in a stunned state - unsure what or how to go about the task and then as the realisation of the amount of work hit me, I became very perfunctory about it)...hence perhaps the poem is working through this idea or perhaps my comments actually have some relevance. I'm unsure which but I mention them for your consideration.
I really liked the focus upon the dancing figurines as a metaphor for the life that was, was spot on and elegant and the final closure was sad and poignant.
Thanks for the read.
I liked how you have worked this. (Having done it for my mother-in-law).
I thought the title was clean and strong and gave me a firm steer into the poem.
However this was then weakened by the 2 repetitions of the title word within the first three stanzas and I feel that perhaps an alternative could be found in both places.
The poem seamed vague, weak and did not connect for the first three stanzas and then it coalesced and worked with increasing momentum towards the last stanza which was a great last comment to close the subject. I was not sure if this was a deliberate part of your intent / design, to emphasise the progression in thoughts and commitment. (I started off in a stunned state - unsure what or how to go about the task and then as the realisation of the amount of work hit me, I became very perfunctory about it)...hence perhaps the poem is working through this idea or perhaps my comments actually have some relevance. I'm unsure which but I mention them for your consideration.
I really liked the focus upon the dancing figurines as a metaphor for the life that was, was spot on and elegant and the final closure was sad and poignant.
Thanks for the read.