12-05-2012, 05:20 PM
Hi TOMH I really liked this one. There was something in there that caused me to keep re-reading and pondering on your words.
I thought the title was great and placed me well into the poem subject. Sorry I'm a bit short on time to do this justice but i'll give what I have for now and will be intrested to see what the others think.
The island of the lost and found
Proud to play in concrete and glass -- Nice assonance in L1&2 and a solid feeling to introduce the subject,
trapped by turmoil and toil -- with a nice switch of perspective from the speaker to bring in the dream state.
blink to catch myself
Club Tropicana calls to me ---Not so sure if the, to me is needed on the end of this line,or perhaps just take out the to.
my mind breaks, applied -- liked this line,
blink again and miss myself -- but then could not make this one flow as I read. Think perhaps the repitition of myself was not working for me. tentitive suggestion: blink again, descending mist. (but like meaning of your words better...so perhaps not)
This time I spend with comets tail
Men utter wasted hours -- no problems with this stanza
mused of Plato and Jackie Collins -- loved the contrast of reading material.
my thoughts too easily read
quick shift comes the horizon
never missed, wondered about
Reality wakes within a dream
or so it would seem --nice
worried you ponder my post
on your shoulders I dance -- thought this was clever imagery.
this hour is fine
and my rhymes will shine -- not entirly convinced about the last line but no help or suggestions to offer at this point.
Sorry not got much to offer by way of comments or help. But I really like this thanks for the read.
I thought the title was great and placed me well into the poem subject. Sorry I'm a bit short on time to do this justice but i'll give what I have for now and will be intrested to see what the others think.
The island of the lost and found
Proud to play in concrete and glass -- Nice assonance in L1&2 and a solid feeling to introduce the subject,
trapped by turmoil and toil -- with a nice switch of perspective from the speaker to bring in the dream state.
blink to catch myself
Club Tropicana calls to me ---Not so sure if the, to me is needed on the end of this line,or perhaps just take out the to.
my mind breaks, applied -- liked this line,
blink again and miss myself -- but then could not make this one flow as I read. Think perhaps the repitition of myself was not working for me. tentitive suggestion: blink again, descending mist. (but like meaning of your words better...so perhaps not)
This time I spend with comets tail
Men utter wasted hours -- no problems with this stanza
mused of Plato and Jackie Collins -- loved the contrast of reading material.
my thoughts too easily read
quick shift comes the horizon
never missed, wondered about
Reality wakes within a dream
or so it would seem --nice
worried you ponder my post
on your shoulders I dance -- thought this was clever imagery.
this hour is fine
and my rhymes will shine -- not entirly convinced about the last line but no help or suggestions to offer at this point.
Sorry not got much to offer by way of comments or help. But I really like this thanks for the read.