The Queen

[gemini]

Hi Black Jade -- a few thoughts for you:


She sits on her throne
Afraid of her power
Eyes of pansies, lips of berries

I'm not wild about the inversion in L3 above: what about
'pansy eyed, berry lipped' or 'pansy eyes, berry lips'?

Her heart, like a crescent moon yearning to be full…

Not sure you need 'like' in the line above. 'yearning' might be smoother as 'yearns'.

A spirit like the sun burning, setting us on fire

The juxtaposition of moon and sun, in this instance, doesn't work for me. (see above two lines.)

Since this is a Mild forum, I think maybe I should stop here? New to this neighborhood.
gemini
She had a youthful wildness yet a soul as ancient as the gods
and as mysterious as existence

Her walls once guarded by forbidden ivy
She can’t remember why
Hailing all to her kingdom

She frees her moon heart to earth,
Claims back her oceans and skies
Now not afraid of her power
For the first time she opens the gates..